I feel something but I can’t find the words to describe what it is. It’s so frustrating when I get into these places where everything feels so difficult and I can’t seem to figure out how to get out of them. I’ve been sensing the darkness coming back to visit these last few days. I wish I could tell him to piss off when he hovers around accusingly, trying to make me feel worse than I already do. I thought about a reach out to T but I’m not quite sure what I’d tell him, so I won’t do that for the time being.

I am starting to lose myself again. I have the burning desire to lock myself away and just write until I can’t write anymore. But writing has been a struggle lately. The words are there, echoing in the background, but I just don’t seem to be able to get them down onto paper. I want to be understood. More than anything in this world I want someone to understand what it feels like to be me. To feel the emptiness, the darkness and the pain.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I will ever be able to break out of my shell and tear down the walls that keep me separated from everyone else. That keep me separated from myself. It is as though a huge hole has been punched through me and the pain that it leaves behind is a reminder that everything was real. You can’t run away from the things that are inside your head. You can’t hide from the demons that visit it you in your nightmares. I don’t know how to save myself from the darkness that comes to me when I least expect it. The wounds from my childhood feel exposed and vulnerable.

I told my secrets so that we could break the silence and be together in the pain but it did nothing. It’s amazing how strong the past is and how the pain from it all can still strike so deep. I only wanted to be loved. Taken care of and listened to. I only wanted connection with the one person I have always wanted it from. But instead, here I am again. Feeling like I’m not wanted. Feeling like I am worthless. And even though I am alive, feeling like I am dead.

My best wasn’t enough for her, I get that, but it’s the worst feeling in the world. Against my better judgement, I went ahead and told the untellable. I wasn’t sure if it would make me feel better but I wanted things to change so I was willing to try anything.

It got me nowhere.

I feel so alone.

3 thoughts on “dejected

  1. None of this was you. It’s never been you. It’s so hard to have that reminder time and again. I think part of us hopes that we make it out to be worse than it was growing up. That we are deficient. It’s easier that way, in a way. Then when we take a leap of faith the reality hits square in the face… it’s always been them. No matter how opportunities we give they just don’t have it in them to be the mothers we needed. I’m sorry you’ve been failed so badly and hurt so profoundly. Big hug x

    Liked by 1 person

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