deflated

It’s been just over two weeks since things went down. In that time I’ve gone through a range of thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I feel angry and frustrated by it all while other times I feel sad and disappointed. I’ve spent a lot of time being disconnected from myself and the world around me. I had a 9 day break from therapy and while the time felt a bit long mostly I didn’t care about it at all and wasn’t in touch with T even once which is a complete miracle for us.

I had therapy yesterday and I spent half the session calculating how many steps it was from the couch to the door and down the stairs to freedom. I didn’t want to connect with T, or anyone else for that matter. We chatted a bit about my mother but I couldn’t really engage much in the conversation at all. The only thing I wanted to do was be somewhere else. I tried to explain to T how things felt but I don’t think I did a very good job of it. I wasn’t ready to say it in black and white that we’re back to that place where I just don’t want to exist anymore.

Today we got a phone call from my aunt–the one who used to look after me–telling us she’s coming to visit for a week in September. I promptly told my mother they are not welcome to stay at our house and made plans to visit my Auntie who lives 8 hours away for most of the week. My skin starts to crawl every time I even think of seeing them. I don’t want to see them and I don’t want to pretend everything is okay anymore. And although my mother didn’t say anything about it all it felt like she sort of understood.

I find myself in a deflated, unproductive place. I am not getting my work done and am once again falling behind. All I want to do is sleep my days away. I have no energy and am just completely burnt out. I can feel the darkness surrounding me and while I don’t really want to be in this place again I am not actively doing anything to try to get myself out of it.

I feel unmotivated to get myself out of this place I find myself in. I know what I need to do, or at least I’m trying to tell myself I know what I need to do, but I just can’t do it.

Damnit, I hate my father’s family.