Ever since I’ve decided to let my Auntie talk with my mother, I’ve been feeling different. I can’t really tell if it’s a good different or a bad different, though. It’s just different.
I had my session yesterday with T–the first since I’ve decided–and for the most part I wasn’t even really there. T asked me about the development and wanted to know if I felt better now that I’d decided what to do. I wasn’t really sure what to say other than it now feels like everything that happened belongs to someone else. And there’s comfort in that feeling somehow.
T said he’d wondered if that’s how it felt and said it’s all a form of protection. A way for my mind to survive everything. I guess so. All I know, is that it feels easier when things don’t seem to belong to me. I try not to think too much about what’s to happen because otherwise I start to doubt my decision and that’s the last thing I want to do. I’ve been sleeping a bit better too the last few days because none of this belongs to me. Another part of me carries it all and that’s okay with me because it’s far enough away that it lets me get on with my life in other ways.
Today, I just feel tired physically and emotionally and I want time to move faster than it is. I want this all to be over. I’m not saying things are automatically going to get better, they may even get worse, but at least it’s going to be out there. At least it will be said and done.