decision made

I found a piece of paper on the weekend with words written around this time last year and as I read it, I had to catch my breath. I was going through what felt like the hardest period of my life and I was absolutely certain I wanted to die. And while the certainty has subsided, the suicidal feelings still wax and wane like the waves on the shore.

Last week, I could feel those thoughts surfacing again all because I couldn’t make the decision as to whether or not I was going to say something to my mother. I was tired physically and emotionally all at once and there seemed no better option than to disappear.

The decision T and I have been talking through has been agonizing and while I’ve decided what I’m going to do, there are still snippets of time where I feel like I am making the wrong choice and my anxiety gets the better of me.

I made a list over the weekend–pros and cons–and to be honest the cons outweigh the pros but I think if I don’t move forward, it’s going to drive me to do unpleasant, irreversible things.

I’ve decided I’m going to do it. I’m going to have my Auntie tell my mother what happened at my Aunt’s house and confirm what I believe she already knows. I can’t tell you with 100% certainty that it feels like the right decision, but it’s the one I’ve decided to make. I move forward knowing that no matter what happens, I can’t control the outcome and I can’t control how other people feel about it. This has to be for me and me alone that I decide. And this is what I’m choosing.

I make this decision knowing I have T on my side, regardless of the outcome.

I make this choice hoping for the best, but with the knowledge that it might not turn out the way I’d like it to.

I’m doing this because it feels like it’s what I need to do.