I know I sound like a broken record here, but I just don’t know what to do about my mother.
I feel very alone in this world of mine, even though T is along for the ride with me. The aloneness is just a feeling–I know that–not an actual thing even though that’s exactly the way it feels.
Sleep is evading me again. I was doing better, sleeping maybe 70% of the time, but I’m back to just a few hours of broken sleep a night intermixed with dreams and nightmares. It feels like the whole world might cave in at any minute and I’m too tired to even bother fighting against the collapse. I’d like to crawl into my bed and just disappear for a few days, but life’s responsibilities keep me from doing that, and it feels really unfair. My heart hurts. Everything on the inside hurts. And I don’t know how to fix it, so all I can do is cry. Talk and cry, talk and cry. I wonder sometimes when the tears will dry up and we can move to another thing. Even in anger, I cry.
Millions of children have unwanted or abusive sexual experiences. Many of them believe, correctly, that someone else knows or should know about their situation, but does little or nothing to protect them. How can that be? When you’re the one who has been hurt in this way, it’s hard to imagine that there can be any “good reason” for failing to protect a child. I feel doubly betrayed by the failure to help. I was in danger, someone could have protected me and chose not to…period. No excuses or rationalizations seems acceptable.
Part of me isn’t even sure if I would’ve said something all those years ago whether or not it even would have stopped. And that’s something very hard to wrap your head around. Even living in an independent adult body, I can feel caged by these strong emotional turmoils. How do you forgive your mother for not protecting you?
The family name needed to be protected. Imagine the shame on the family? The cost of speaking up vs. the cost of silence, there is no simple answer to any of this. It is about the pain of having a childhood where our needs are not met, the anger we hold and what we can do about it.
If I do it, it’ll at least be out in the open—I won’t say she’ll finally know because obviously she already knows. Can it get any worse? I keep thinking about what it is that I want to accomplish. And why now? Perhaps just sticking with talking to T would be better. Because….what if she denies knowing? She’s already done it once. Or worse, blames me for it? Am I prepared for more emotional trauma? If she dismisses the whole thing or simply tells me that I need to figure it out for myself, is that worse than saying nothing at all and more months or years of pretending everything is okay when it’s anything but?
A part of me always hoped that one day she would say sorry but, deep down, I don’t think that day will ever come. I wanted her to explain why she failed to protect me, but I don’t think she is brave enough. I wanted her to acknowledge all the pain that this continues to cause me, but I don’t think she has the strength. Another part of me doesn’t even want to talk with her about it—just let my Auntie say something and leave it at that. I don’t want to explain anything to her and I don’t want to listen to her miserable excuses.
Time is moving too quickly and we are starting to panic because we haven’t decided what to do yet. It feels like we need to make that decision sooner, rather than later and just deal with the consequences of it all—good or bad. I wish someone could make the decision for me but I know ultimately it’s mine. I just don’t know what the right decision should be. And maybe there never will be a ‘right’ decision.