I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for awhile but honestly I haven’t had much energy to do long writing lately. Even my beloved journaling has been pushed to the wayside. I’m not sure really what is happening with that as journaling has pretty much been my saving grace throughout all of this. Even my texting and emailing to T has significantly decreased the last few months (which I’m sure he’s secretly loving but would never say so).

So, what’s knew with me?

Well, I survived Father’s Day. It wasn’t the greatest but at least I didn’t spend the day planning ways to off myself. At one point I did end up texting T. He didn’t respond before I went to bed last night but I did wake up to a text from him so not all was lost. It was a very T-like text ‘Sorry I didn’t reply today. I know it must have been a troublesome day for you’. I’m not sure what type of response I was looking for, and really there was nothing wrong with the answer he sent but I guess I just wanted more. More of what I don’t know. Perhaps it would have been better if he would have sent one of his usual ‘I’m still here’ text messages. I’m not annoyed but I just need something else right now. The problem is that I don’t really know what that ‘something’ is.

As I mentioned in a previous post I have a new psychiatrist and she’s fabulous. We’re still working on adjusting my meds and I’m hoping we’re almost there. The only thing that feels concerning is that I’m having numbness and tingling in my right arm–sort of feeling like it’s falling asleep. I’m not sure if it’s from the meds or if it’s because of a previous shoulder injury but I’m keeping my eye on it. I really don’t want to call my family doctor for anything but if worse comes to worse I will break down and do it. As for the meds, I’m sleeping a bit better–well, at least I think I am. Is drug induced sleep really good sleep? I tend to waiver between not sleeping at all and crashing for 12 hours. I particularly like the 12 hours of crashing, although I have the strangest dreams (all normal according to my psychiatrist), because at least by the time I wake up it feels like half the day is over. Not sure if wishing the day away is a particularly good thing or not but anything is better than getting nailed with flashbacks and memories all day long.

Speaking of flashbacks and memories, I’ve been having doozies in T’s office lately. I swear if one more person slams the door or creeps up the stairs in the building where his office is located, I’m going to punch someone in the face. It’s been quite awful the last few weeks and I’ve painstakingly managed to get out what’s so bothersome about the creaking stairs (I used to hide under the stairs at my Aunt’s house, my cousin would try to find me and all I could remember was the creaking of the stairs as he made his way into the basement). I still can’t put into words what’s so bad about the door slamming but it tends to have me jumping off the couch, holding my breath and disappearing to my safe place all in about 3.2 seconds. According to T, I have quite the startle reflex and it’s something we’re working on calming as quickly as humanly possible.

T has yet to go on any vacations although he did hint towards something in August. I’m camping with C the last week of August, so if he goes away the 3rd week of August like he suggested that means two weeks without him. Ugh. I’m trying not to spend too much time agonizing over it because it is two months away, but still, I can feel the utter dread already starting to encroach into my insides. Why, oh why, do vacations STILL need to be so utterly dreadful and panic inducing?

We also had a good chat about M the other day. It’s his birthday coming up in a couple of weeks and it just feels like he’s getting further and further away from me. He won’t look at me or talk to me whenever I see him (which is almost never), he won’t come to visit me and whenever I ask what he’d like for holidays or his birthday it’s basically a shrug and a mumble of nothing. This year his birthday feels particularly difficult for unknown reasons. I think my biggest fear is that he is going to feel like I felt when I was growing up–that my mother didn’t want me and didn’t care what happened to me. Now I know that’s not how I act, but he’s been so brainwashed by his father that he probably thinks I don’t love him at all. And that’s really hard to think about because there is nothing further from that. I told T that I was afraid he would end up feeling like I do–that there isn’t a place for him in this world and that he would struggle so hard through life because not feeling wanted by your own mother is the absolute worst feeling in the world. T asked if I bought him a present for his birthday and while I did, it just feels more like a formality that something that brings me joy. Since nobody will tell me what he really wants, it ends up being lame gift cards or cash which feels like a cheap gift. I don’t know M at all anymore. And that just makes me feel really, really sad.

Sadness has been the one feeling that’s taken up residence lately. Of all the feelings that go on inside my head, it’s sadness that always seem to linger much longer than others. T says perhaps I’m just one of those people who will end up feeling sad for a really long time before anything else comes to the forefront. I don’t know. I don’t really mind the sadness. I guess it’s better than not feeling anything. Not feeling anything has always been such a painful experience. Along with the sadness, I’ve found myself withdrawing from life in general as I have neither the energy nor the interest to put myself out there. And I don’t feel bad about it. I’m not particularly missing the contact and communication from other people. I don’t think it’s a good thing to feel this way, yet I can’t be bothered to try to change it. Even my mother has started to make comments about how I’m starting to live in my own world most of the time.

As for things with my mother, they are how they are. I think I’m starting to realize that she wasn’t particularly ready for children. I don’t know why she actually had us, but she did and I know that no matter what I do it’s not going to change the way she thinks and feels about things. She still hates that I go to therapy but at least she’s stopped commenting about it. She’s never going to talk about things and that’s her prerogative. I don’t have to live the same life my mother has lived.

I still haven’t heard back from my brother over the letter I wrote to him some months back. For those of you who are just following, on a whim I’d decided I’d write my brother a letter. I was looking for answers that neither I nor T could find. I’m not sure exactly what I hoped my brother could say to me but perhaps he would help me find some of my memories. I asked him about my aunt’s house and if he remembered any of the abuse that happened there. I asked him what he remembered about our father, specifically what type of person he remembered him being. I also asked him about our mother and whether he remembered her leaving us. I wasn’t really expecting him to write me back but he did that same night. He didn’t answer any of my questions, but thanked me for writing and told me he has to think about what to say. I’m not sure if that was confirmation or whether he was about to tell me I was crazy. I’m sort of afraid to bring it up again but knowing my brother he’s probably forgotten all about it…he tends to do that over a lot of things. I don’t even know what it is I want from him really. Maybe just someone to tell me that I’m not a total nutbar and that yes, life in our house was a horrible thing. I don’t know what it is about our relationship and I know there is absolutely no excuse for what he did to me but I think of everyone who ever did anything to me, he’s the one I might actually be able to move on from. Is that sick? Part of me feels like it would be wrong for that to happen but there’s so many other fish to fry, you know. Besides, I know what my brother grew up with and he’s a very broken person. T once told me that if he ever wanted to talk to someone he would help him find a good therapist where he lives. That sort of made me feel better in some ways because if T is willing to help him knowing what happened then maybe it’s okay to be okay. I don’t know.

I guess that’s about it for now. I’m sure there’s loads of other things that have gone on but either they don’t feel important enough to put down here or I’m just not quite ready to share them. I guess they’ll have to wait for next time.

4 thoughts on “updating…

    • thanks love. Thinking of you as well. Sorry, I’ve been total shit at commenting on others posts but I am glad you survived the therapy break although it was difficult…xx

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hi hun. I am glad you updated. I do worry when I don’t hear from you on here. You are missed when you don’t write. I am sorry life is so tough, but unfortunately I can relate to that fact. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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