things I should probably tell my therapist but most likely won’t–feeling sorry for myself

I DON’T THINK PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW STRESSFUL IT IS TO EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT YOURSELF. YOU KNOW THAT YOU NEED TO LET GO, BUT YOU CAN’T, BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE TO HAPPEN…unknown author

These things that have happened, they’ve ruined everything. My life, who I am and what I want. What I think and believe. How I feel about life. And death. I don’t want them to be a part of me at all anymore. I don’t want a goddamn thing from anyone at all.

I hate this life. I hate everything about it. I don’t care what anyone says, there just isn’t anything good about it right now at all. I don’t want to be here. I’d like to take my plan and put it into motion. I’d like to leave this world behind–the world that holds nothing important for me at all.

I’m tired. I’m so tired of being here and living this life. It hasn’t been a good life. It’s been hard and frustrating and always, always uncomfortable. I’m just so overwhelmingly tired of everything.

I want someone else to have to care about these things and not just me all of the time. I’d like, for just one day, to not be reminded of all the things that were said and done. I’d like for them to have to go through all of this, even if for only one day. Why do I have to remember all the time? Why can’t we go back to the place before? The place where all of these things didn’t consume my very existence.

I want out of here. I want out so bad that I can’t think of anything except how much I want out.

I will get out of here. One day I will make it happen and I will get out of this place. I won’t look back and I will be satisfied that I’ve done my best but it was just too hard for me. And people can judge me and say whatever they want but it won’t matter anymore because I will be done with it all. I will be done and I will be free and life won’t be painful anymore.

I’m not talking about giving up, I’m giving in and there’s a big difference between them. Life has gotten too hard and we’re tired, just so very tired.

I know I should tell T how hard things are but I feel the need to be very, very careful. We don’t want to end up in that awful place where they label us and ignore us and simply tell us to take more medications that leave us tired and foggy in our thoughts.

We are absolutely stuck in this place of feeling sorry for ourselves but we aren’t entirely sure how to get rid of it all.

I’m failing. I’m falling. I’m breaking all over again. I so much want for things to be different but I have a hard time believing it will happen. I could reach out to T but it’s just two more sleeps until we see him. We can survive two sleeps, right?