rambles

I feel like I am just buying time, as though we really aren’t supposed to be here. There is always a part of me that feels like I need permission just in order to exist in this world because we’ve never had the opportunity to just be.

Some days I feel like stepping off the edge and seeing how far I can fly. Other days I can barely move and don’t even care. My doctor changed my meds again and as I watch my expanding body, I try my best to promise myself that tomorrow things will be different even though I have a deep sense of dread filling me from within.

To top it off, another holiday is upon us and while it’s not a big holiday for my family, there is still the need to try and be in touch with M. It’s always so awkwardly uncomfortable. I never know if he’ll talk to me or not or whether he really wants to see me when I drop off presents for him. I miss him so very much but at the same time life is way calmer with him where he is. I always wonder if feeling that way makes me a bad mother. It certainly feels that way.

I’ve filled yet another journal full of rambling thoughts that take over my days and nights. T and I started to go through some of them but we never seem to finish. Have I really written that much since the fall? I know a lot has happened and tons of things have come flying back into awareness but I can’t help but wonder if we will ever get through everything.

Speaking of therapy, we’re on a short break due to Easter and while I should be thankful that it’s only one missed session, I don’t seem to be coping as well as I feel I should. After all, I’ve been seeing T for, well, forever really. At least that’s how it feels. Yet, the break feels way too long, he feels like he’s disappeared on me and I feel ashamed by it all.

So often I find myself alone in the quiet, just me and my thoughts. We’re a little lost right now and I feel like I have to do more to notice the world around me before it swallows me up.

I’m hoping if I can just hang in there a little while longer it might get better although I have nothing concrete to tell me it’s true. T constantly tells me I just need to have faith but that also means I need to put trust in others. And how do you do that when you’ve never been able to trust anyone before?