At Friday’s session T and I spent some time talking retirement and endings. Let’s just put it out there that every time he even mentions some sort of ending my brain goes haywire, my ears perk up a little higher and I do everything in my power to keep from panicking. Okay, so I’m not ready to end therapy obviously, but it’s more than that. I’m not ready to lose T yet.

We talked about how I still have time left before I am able to retire and I reminded T that I am now on the downhill portion (15 years being the middle) and that there’s something comforting about that (I’m at 13 years left). I’ve come to the realization that I won’t be one of those people who wants to work for the rest of my life….no, not me…I want to actually enjoy my retirement. Doing what, I have no idea (maybe owning a cute little cottage in PEI), but I will not let work be the most important and only thing in my life.

So, all this talk had me a little miffed. Was T gently trying to tell me he was on his way out and that we’d need to stop seeing each other soon. So I bravely asked him ‘what about you, will you be retiring soon?’ Not really was his answer. He told me that he’s most likely stop taking new clients around 70 (which I think is about 1-2 years) but that he would keep working as long as he was healthy and enjoyed it. Then he said the most amazing thing ever. ‘You know Mac that just because we no longer will see each other doesn’t mean we still can’t be in touch once in awhile’….’you mean like pen pals’, I joked (not seriously, but seriously). He didn’t respond to that but did say that he didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t be in touch. ‘So like till death do we part???’, I was thinking to myself.

And then something so great happened. I finally had the inkling that T won’t leave me. Unless he dies or something else keeps us apart, there is no way he is going to leave me. I can leave him and that would be okay because it would mean I was ready, but as long as I need him, he’s not going to go anywhere. I can’t describe the feeling. I couldn’t describe the feeling. I could feel the tears coming so I promptly ended the session and busted out of there.

I can’t describe what T’s never-ending means to me. It’s not something I’ve ever felt or experienced before. People have always left me….my mother, my father…important people who signed up for something they had no intention of fulfilling. But to have him say that….it not only made me happy, but also sort of sad. Because it’s not fair that people have to go looking for something like this. It should be something that happens between parents and their children, the way it’s supposed to work in the world. It’s obvious I didn’t get what I needed (because why else would I be in therapy), and that makes me angry too.

There’s so many emotions I’m feeling at the moment but for now all I’m focusing on is T’s words….’I’m here forever, there is no ending to us’. Well that and Alanis Morissette’s Everything lyrics :/

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything
To which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

And you’re still here
Still here
You are
Still here

25 thoughts on “never-ending

  1. I completely and utterly LOVE this post. All of it. And I envy you just a little bit (which obviously means: read as HUGELY!). That is an absolute dream. I could feel everything in my body relax as I was reading your words, that is such a special place he gave you. I am so so happy for you.

    Now I need to find a way to introduce this idea as a model for T….
    While I hope he’s already ahead of the game and preparing his speed to deliver in exactly the same tone as you were gifted today! 😂

    I seriously get what you mean about not just missing therapy but more than that the therapist. That’s exactly how I feel too. Thank you so much for writing this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. it really does feel like a special thing. I’m trying to hold onto the words although sometimes I feel like it’s a bit of a dream as I know what has happened to other people so I’m a bit afraid to get too excited about it all.

    There’s just something about him though and I figure if he wanted to get rid of me he’d have done it sometime within the last 6 years :/

    he’s a good one that’s for sure…

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s really funny you’d say that, because even if T said that to me, there’d be a disbelieving part, because that’s just who I am. Look at the past week for goodness sake! The poor man has a terrible family crisis and I obviously haven’t shared this with him, but I felt like it’s just an excuse to finally get shot of me; a cunning trick to cancel sessions and then decide he’s going to retire forever (or just for me!). What on earth is THAT all about when I’ve been saying recently how I don’t need to feel like the best client anymore; we’re solid and I can relax in that knowledge! 🙈 Famous last words.
      But the thing that I was thinking is funny is how, only this very afternoon, I said to someone here on WP, that I’m kicking myself for having felt like that because we’re 3 years in a few months time, and I think if he’s have wanted to get rid of me he’d have found a way by now!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I remember reading a sentence on another blog (I can’t for the life of me remember who it was and feel bad if I’m quoting incorrectly) but it’s always stuck with me. As a child who endured trauma one of the biggest fears was

        ‘move closer or you die vs. move closer, you die’

        It helps explain a lot with how trauma effects people and their relationships. As a child we didn’t ever get what we needed. Now, even though we’re grown the feelings still exist so we want to move closer to our T who seems so attuned to our needs. But, at the same time we feel stuck because all we can remember is the trauma that ensued when we got too close.

        It’s like you’re literally stuck in this push-pull hell of not know what to do. So when T says something like ‘we can be in touch even after you’ve left us’ it’s comforting but scary all at the same time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve read that same blog recently, and I can’t remember who it is either! (So sorry if they read this). It is an absolute push-pull, like you say. The great thing about this place is I didn’t know anything about it until I came here and met people who actually live it out, which is so powerfully empowering to read.
        I guess it’s one of those things that you just find out over time? Either they’re true to their word or they’re not. But I think you stand a really good chance here. A really good chance. And I love that he chose to give that to you the sag he did. That’s beautiful.


  3. This made me so happy to read. You really deserve this and I love that it has left you in a place where you can see and feel and take in, even a little bit, that he really won’t ever leave you.

    R is 60 and I’ve worked with him on and off for 17 years nearly, but this year we are getting really close and it is actually quite terrifying. A few weeks ago I mentioned retirement and he said he wouldn’t be yet, but that even when he does retire he’ll still be in contact with me. “Forever? Till you die?” someone little who pretends not to be there asked, and he said “yep! As long as you want that”. After that it really hit me that every time he told me ‘I’m not going away’ and ‘I won’t go away’ he actually really meant it, he wasn’t just saying it to be reassuring. I could still drive him away with my craziness I’m sure, but that for all these years his intention has been to never leave me, and that this is what he is committed to with me, has helped me so much.

    Anyway, I really understand what this never having an ending and being left with a void where T once was thing means, and I’m so happy you had this conversation and it left you feeling this way. I also echo the sadness – we should have this with our parents and then it would be a given that we would have them till they die.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I am so incredibly disappointed in K for you and so upset to hear how things have been. I think you’re holding things together really well considering. What she’s done is so not right!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. I keep wanting to believe that it’s an error in judgement over what is therapeutic and that she’s trying to do the right thing for me still, but just made a mistake. I’m really not sure it is that way at all though – it feels like she’s totally cut off from me 😦


    • I love that he said that to you CB. Utter gold dust. Now there’s TWO of you I’m
      envious over! But it actually gives hope I might stand a chance of striking gold too! 🤞 It would mean soo much.

      Liked by 1 person

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