never-ending

At Friday’s session T and I spent some time talking retirement and endings. Let’s just put it out there that every time he even mentions some sort of ending my brain goes haywire, my ears perk up a little higher and I do everything in my power to keep from panicking. Okay, so I’m not ready to end therapy obviously, but it’s more than that. I’m not ready to lose T yet.

We talked about how I still have time left before I am able to retire and I reminded T that I am now on the downhill portion (15 years being the middle) and that there’s something comforting about that (I’m at 13 years left). I’ve come to the realization that I won’t be one of those people who wants to work for the rest of my life….no, not me…I want to actually enjoy my retirement. Doing what, I have no idea (maybe owning a cute little cottage in PEI), but I will not let work be the most important and only thing in my life.

So, all this talk had me a little miffed. Was T gently trying to tell me he was on his way out and that we’d need to stop seeing each other soon. So I bravely asked him ‘what about you, will you be retiring soon?’ Not really was his answer. He told me that he’s most likely stop taking new clients around 70 (which I think is about 1-2 years) but that he would keep working as long as he was healthy and enjoyed it. Then he said the most amazing thing ever. ‘You know Mac that just because we no longer will see each other doesn’t mean we still can’t be in touch once in awhile’….’you mean like pen pals’, I joked (not seriously, but seriously). He didn’t respond to that but did say that he didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t be in touch. ‘So like till death do we part???’, I was thinking to myself.

And then something so great happened. I finally had the inkling that T won’t leave me. Unless he dies or something else keeps us apart, there is no way he is going to leave me. I can leave him and that would be okay because it would mean I was ready, but as long as I need him, he’s not going to go anywhere. I can’t describe the feeling. I couldn’t describe the feeling. I could feel the tears coming so I promptly ended the session and busted out of there.

I can’t describe what T’s never-ending means to me. It’s not something I’ve ever felt or experienced before. People have always left me….my mother, my father…important people who signed up for something they had no intention of fulfilling. But to have him say that….it not only made me happy, but also sort of sad. Because it’s not fair that people have to go looking for something like this. It should be something that happens between parents and their children, the way it’s supposed to work in the world. It’s obvious I didn’t get what I needed (because why else would I be in therapy), and that makes me angry too.

There’s so many emotions I’m feeling at the moment but for now all I’m focusing on is T’s words….’I’m here forever, there is no ending to us’. Well that and Alanis Morissette’s Everything lyrics

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything
To which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

And you’re still here
Still here
You are
Still here