updates and more art

It’s been a bit since I’ve posted here. I feel like everything and nothing has happened all at the same time.

I still haven’t talked to M. Pretty soon it’s going to be a year and while I try to tell myself it will get better it’s quite hard to feel positive about that situation. As for C, I had him undergo a psychological assessment on recommendation of his teachers and he was diagnosed with ADHD Combined as well as Non Specified Anxiety Disorder (GAH tendencies). So now I’m spending a lot of time trying to access services for him. I called my family doc to ask about medication (it was a recommendation in the report) and he told me he had to think about it. Have I mentioned before how useless my doc is sometimes??

It’s a new year and I’m still going to therapy twice a week. I’m seriously hoping that by years end it’s down to just once a week but I will not force myself to change just because of some resolution I’d decided to make 12 months prior. How is therapy? I guess it’s going okay. I almost made eye contact with T but it still feels dangerous. I can definitely notice a change in things since starting my new meds, though. And while I absolutely hate taking them, it just might be something I’m going to have to learn to live with. Most of the time it’s enough to take the edge of and help me not want to throw myself out the window. We haven’t made any further changes because I told my doc I needed a bit of a break in that department. I don’t know what it is but every time we change my meds I literally feel like I’m going to jump off the roof and I don’t feel strong enough to deal with that at the moment.

I’ve been considering writing a letter to my brother. I’m not quite sure what I’ll say or how much detail I’ll provide but I’m struggling with the fact that it feels like my core family is disintegrating. I admitted to T last week that there are huge chunks of time where I don’t even remember him at all–especially when we were at my aunt’s house as toddlers. I know he must have been there but he isn’t anywhere in my memories. T says it’s probably because so much shit was going down at once that he just sort of got pushed out of my conscious mind. I guess mostly I want to know what he remembers compared to what I remember. Like, did he know what was happening to me all those years? Anyways, it’s just a thought and I might not even do it in the end.

Other than that I’m still puttering away at some art therapy. I found a book and so far I like it, although I’m going to need to buy more supplies. It’s called Essential Art Therapy Exercises–Effective Techniques to Manage Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, by Leah Guzman. I like art therapy especially since the meds make it hard for me to write things lately (yay for dead brain).

Anyways, here’s a few pics of my latest attempts. I definitely like collages the best…