Some days I wake up and the world has turned to grey. I wonder where all of the other beautiful colours go in those dark and gloomy moments.
I’m feeling a bit down and out these last few days and part of it is definitely medication-related. I’m now considered as an individual who falls under the definition of polypharmacy, which basically means I take more than 5 medications on a consistent basis. My schedule goes something like this: breakfast 6 pills; lunch 1 pill; supper 3 pills and bedtime 4 pills. I’m actually quite compliant in the medication-taking department, so I don’t find that too difficult but a few of the new ones have one dreaded side effect I am having a really hard time adapting to–weight gain.
I hate the weight gain. It doesn’t matter what I eat or how much I exercise or how much water I drink during the day either. It’s almost as though I look at food and whether or not I put it in my mouth, the calories just add to my body. I’ve always been self-conscious about my weight and the last few weeks have really done a number on my already fragile self-esteem.
I have always been the freckly-faced, glasses-wearing, chubby girl who used to be called pork-chop by her family members. And while I would never consider myself normal body-wise, before my hospitalization I’d finally gotten to the point where I had lost a bit of weight and was feeling more self-confident. The last few weeks have definitely put a halt to that though and in general, I feel like I am taking up too much space.
Yesterday, it bothered me so much that I considered just stopping all my medications and letting nature do whatever it wanted. I’ve been warned repeatedly against stopping any of my meds cold-turkey but I was so depressed that I literally didn’t even care. I tried to cancel my appointment with T for today because I’m embarrassed to even sit in the same room as him because of how I feel. And now he’s going to want to talk about what’s wrong and I don’t really want to tell him that it’s all because I feel like a total fatty and that being like this brings up all kinds of bad memories from my childhood….ugggh!
I have an appointment with my family doctor next week so perhaps we can find a substitute that won’t make me turn into the Goodyear blimp before Christmas. I’d be okay if I could just live in my pyjamas all day but I can’t really do that either. I had to come to work today and it was like I literally had to force myself out of the house because I feel so uncomfortable. Basically it just feels like as one area of life starts to improve everything else goes remarkably to shit.
Anyways, I’m going to go hide in the chemical shed and do some inventory so nobody can find me. If I’m lucky enough maybe some of the toxic chemicals will leak and finish the job so I won’t have to do it myself. Gah, life just feels so hard these days.