why is it still a thing?

I sent a message to T on Friday and he still hasn’t responded. Lots of thoughts have been running through my mind due to his lack of response–he’s busy, he’s tired, he didn’t see the message and of course the mother of all thoughts I’m too much and he’s decided he no longer wants anything to do with me.

I feel angry. I feel like a defiant, snarky teenager who’d like to fire off a message telling him to piss off. I’ve run conversations through my head about how our next session will go. If he didn’t see the message he might mention that I haven’t contacted him and I’ll reply that I did but he didn’t bother to answer. I’ve also thought about telling him that I get it–he is mine for just under 2 hours a week, but that the other 166 hours hold absolutely no obligation for him to deal with me at all. The other day he told me that I pay for the sessions but the care is free. For some reason it felt like such a cheesy cliche–he doesn’t really care about me. Why would he? What can I possibly offer him that would make him care about me?

If I can manage to talk about it with him he’ll be fine with however I feel. Sometimes that bothers me too–his calm, quiet patience. I sometimes wish he’d fight back. It’s strange, but it’s what I understand. So often he feels like a foreign being to me.

I’m sure he’ll somehow think all of this has something to do with my mother. And that too sometimes frustrates me. Because yeah, I feel like he will abandon me and tell me I’m too much for him, just like my mother did so many times but sometimes it’s not that at all. Sometimes I’m just annoyed that he doesn’t answer me.

Mostly though, I feel frustrated that after all the time we’ve worked together that this is still a thing. That him not replying to a message can unravel me so quickly and leave me feeling like a huge inconvenience. Leaving me feeling like my world is about to collapse around me. I also sometimes wonder if he means too much and whether or not it’s a bad thing to have this sort of relationship with him.

There are days I sort of miss the way it used to be, when there was something missing but I wasn’t really sure what it was and I didn’t feel the sharp edges like I do now. It’s like having to learn about how everything works from the very beginning of time.

It’s exhausting and frustrating and consumes your days and nights. But the one thing I can see out of all of this. If it didn’t feel this way there’d be no reason for me to even need T anymore. Uggggh…

14 thoughts on “why is it still a thing?

  1. im so right there with you! I have a rare session this week, and I have to cancel because I broke my hand and need to go to the clinic to change the cast during the session time. I used the automated schedule to unbook and waitlist myself for a new slot, and left a message saying why I needed to switch. crickets! I thought shed drop me a line to check in about said broken hand, but alas.. its likely she didn’t even see that part of the message, or hasn’t looked at her scheduler over the long weekend (and I don’t even know how it works anyway), but all it feels like to me is ‘wow, so she really DOESNT care”. sniff! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • no, he didn’t reply but I see him later today. I’m going to try my best to be adult enough to not sulk about it and hopefully get to why this has to be such a thing. I’m sorry you can relate…xx

      Liked by 2 people

    • oh, I’m sorry you can relate. It’s literally the worst feeling sometimes. I still haven’t heard from him but I do see him later today…I’m trying to not let my mind get the better of me…xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • I chickened out–didn’t say a word–but messaged him afterwards. 5 hours later I promptly apologized for feeling the way I do because I was certain he’d be mad at me :/ . Perhaps it’s something that will always be there and I’ll just need to figure out a way to work around it….uggh

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh I feel you, and find myself in similar situations all too often. I hope your therapist is able to help you address and work through these moments. I have found it most helpful and productive when my therapist creates space to work through these feelings. When that doesn’t happen I feel a wall building between myself and therapist which is incredibly counterproductive if not addressed. Hugs to you as you navigate these feelings.

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  2. 3 emails and no response from my T 😦 I want to quote you, specifically

    “Mostly though, I feel frustrated that after all the time we’ve worked together that this is still a thing. That him not replying to a message can unravel me so quickly and leave me feeling like a huge inconvenience.”

    And send it to her 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Pingback: It’s a transphobic legal world – Growing Into Myself

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