back from our adventure and she ruins the mood

Well, we survived our camping trip. The weather overall was pretty good. We had a bit of rain one night and tons of wind but we stayed warm and dry. C survived although 2 whole days without electricity was apparently torture for him because God forbid we can’t play video games all day…lol. (that response right there tells me we definitely need to go camping and disconnect even more).

With all the wind, we had amazing waves. I think C got a little sea-sick from going up and down so much, but it was an absolute blast. Not sure how many of you have ever swam in Lake Superior but she can be a little persnickety when the strong winds come up. Even so, of all the Great Lakes, it’s definitely my favourite. Our campsite had a water view and it was amazing. The new tent was easy to put up and had tons of room. Being able to change standing up is by far the best improvement from the old tent.

evening warm-up

On the second day, C wanted to go on a little adventure so we went to a Bay just up the highway. It has the most beautiful agates and we love to go rock hounding. It’s much more open to the big lake and the waves are always rolling. We tried our best to get around a little outcrop but the waves caught us and we ended up with soakers and wet clothes. Even so, we still got some new rocks for the collection.

so many to choose from

There’s something about this place that calls for me. It’s always felt special somehow. It’s the place I had pictured when I told T about my plans. It’s always been the one place where if I have to die, it feels like it would be fitting. It makes me feel calm and safe and where everything has it’s place in the world. I am almost certain that if C hadn’t had been with me, I would’ve taken just one more step and done it.

I don’t know what caused the feelings to come. Perhaps I was still feeling the effects of the conversation with my mother. It’s quite difficult to understand why she makes me feel like such an inconvenience to her. It’s as though you are continually left with the sensation that you need to be grateful for something but you have no idea what.

We got home Wednesday morning and the whole drive carried a deep sense of dread with it. Without fail, she made a comment about my appointment in the afternoon when I reminded her…well, isn’t that nice. I guess I’ll just stay here and do everything like always. I didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t actually sure what she was so irritated by.

At my appointment with T I was so agitated I could barely communicate what happened over the previous days. T says it’s the anger from living with a controlling, ill-equipped mother who has her own issues that she needs to deal with. And while he says it’s more than understandable that I am angry, what we need to work on is not taking the anger out on me. I told T straight up that I wish she’d never even had me.

This life has worn me down and I’m tired. It just shouldn’t happen that people need to survive part of life and work so hard to feel like they deserve to be here afterwards.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I either need to learn to live with it and not let her bother me, or not…

8 thoughts on “back from our adventure and she ruins the mood

  1. I so strongly believe it’s possible to overcome and to heal. The reason why is that I am slowly emerging from such similar damages and am beginning to see things different and to act and FEEL a tiny bit different. It’s like a new seedling, fresh and spindly and weak to start with, but don’t all great oaks start that way given time?
    I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time there is so much healing needing to be done 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s really unfair to have to hear stuff like that all the time. But don’t give up. Even if she isn’t going to change, it IS possible to change your own reactivity and dramatically reduce your own suffering. I know this bc of changes I’ve experienced through therapy myself, though it’s taken my years to deeply integrate it. It’s not easy, but it is a deep relief when things start to shift!

    Liked by 1 person

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