I had another stellar conversation with my mother today. C and I get back from camping Wednesday morning and I told her I had an appointment at 3pm Wednesday afternoon. Rather than just saying alright she decided to make a rather discouraging, and somewhat offensive comment.
Are you going to see that quack until the day you die? You know, the majority of people only see someone for 6 weeks, and if they aren’t better at the end of it, well too bad for them.
I was caught completely off guard honestly and didn’t really have much of a reply other than to ask her why it mattered. She of course refused to answer.
Thinking about it now, I would’ve liked to say that yes, I may be seeing him until the day I die, because the day I die might be closer than you think. Of course, I didn’t say that–a good, obedient child never would–I, as usual, said nothing.
I’ve come to the glaring realization that my primary role in this family is to remain quiet until the day I die.
This latest comment comes on the heels of another conversation we had not so long ago regarding my use of antidepressants. She doesn’t understand why I need to take them at all. There’s nothing wrong with you to be taking those, you aren’t depressed. Well, my doctor doesn’t entirely agree with you dear mother, so I’m going to stick with the advice of a medical professional for now.
These conversations so often leave me feeling that there just isn’t any point in carrying on anymore. If you don’t have the support of those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, will all the hard work of therapy even make a difference? I know sometimes we go backwards but it feels so much more than 2 steps. It’s more like decades in the wrong direction.
What is a person supposed to do when those with all the power have always hurt the ones with none? I’m just so tired of it all. Life is hard enough without family making it even harder.
Sometimes, I wonder what it’s going to be like when she dies. Will I finally be free? Will I learn that it’s okay to use my voice? But let’s be totally honest about it–I’m not entirely sure I will outlive my mother if things continue the way they are. Only time will tell I suppose.