does the heart make a sound as it cracks?

In a couple of weeks I’m finally getting a week of holidays. Other than stat holidays, I haven’t had a day off since Christmas. And that’s way too long for me. Normally, I take a few weeks here and there during the summer, but with nowhere to go and all the return to work responsibilities that I’ve had, the time sort of just slipped away from me. Now that we are nearing the end of August (and back to school) I’m trying to put together some things to do so that summer isn’t a total bust.

I’ve booked a few nights at one of our favourite Provincial Parks (it’s a waterfront site…yay!) and I’m really looking forward to it. I think C is too because while we’ve been camping in cottages and yurts, he’s never been tenting before. And honestly, have you really experienced camping if you’ve not spent at least one night getting sopping wet, not showering for a couple of days or been eaten alive by mosquitoes? Methinks not! And while typing it out sort of strips the glamour from it, it’s an experience every child should have at least once–and more than once if you can convince them to go again.

I decided to try to make it as comfortable as possible–I don’t want him to completely hate it–and I’ve gone and purchased a new tent. My old tent was nearing 20 years and had seen so many camping trips (oh the free time that existed before kids) that it was starting to get a bit thin, had a few tiny holes and was extra leaky. The new one is a 6 person tent and the largest I’ve ever owned. I wanted something I could actually stand up in this time and thought it would be good to have a bit of space to grown into. It also needed to be able to hold a golden retriever. With a bigger tent I figure you can also sort of turn it into glamping with a larger, higher air mattress (or cots) rather than sleeping pads. I’m sure my achy lupus joints will thank me.

Another reason (the real reason) I purchased a larger tent was that my old one would be perfect for two people, but not 3 and I really wanted M to be able to come with us. So I made all my plans, put them in order and then asked M if he wanted to come with us. But he said no. And I honestly felt my heart crack just a little bit more.

I don’t want to stop trying to keep the connection with M, but the rejection seems to hurts a little more each time. Other than his birthday on July 10th, I haven’t seen or talked to him since March. I honestly feel like the absolute worst mother on the planet. To top it off, according to the step-mother (who he refers to as mom…ugggh) he’s now an absolute pleasure to be around and no longer rages or acts out…blah, blah blah. I feel the knife twisting as she rubs it in one more time how she is such a good mother and I am not. I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it’s just so hard.

I’m still taking C regardless and have left the door open for M to change his mind even though I don’t really expect him to. At least I asked, right?

Now, I’m just hoping for sunny weather and not too many mosquitoes.

9 thoughts on “does the heart make a sound as it cracks?

  1. I hope you have a lovely time away and that C really enjoys it, mosquitoes and soggy clothes and all! I can’t really imagine how much it hurts each time M says no to things you suggest, but I guess you keep doing it so that in 10 years time, or whenever, he doesn’t look back and ask why you never tried, why you didn’t want to see him… Hoping you get some sunshine for your trip xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • thanks love. It’s devastating. I never thought such a small being could do things that hurt so much. I try to tell myself he isn’t doing it on purpose, that he’s just been brainwashed and eventually he’ll figure it out. If not, I’ve tried my best. Hope you’re doing okay these days…xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you have fun camping! Definitely an integral part of a Canadian childhood 🙂 to echo CB & Alice, you keep asking so he know the door is open when it’s time to walk back through it. The situation and choices you’ve faced are so difficult – you are doing the best you can for all. He’ll see that one day. In the meantime, enjoy the camping!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so excited. And the forecast is calling for rain–let’s hope the new tent doesn’t leak! I keep hoping he’ll change his mind, even though I know it most likely won’t happen. We’ll definitely make the most of it–rain or shine! Perhaps the rain will make Lake Superior feel a bit warmer–ha, not likely!

      Liked by 1 person

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