unattached to living

For the first time in a very long time I wish I was still a smoker. Like, I would seriously kill for a cigarette right about now. I need something, anything, to keep my hands busy. The last few days have been painfully difficult.

I don’t know what it is that makes me want to push everyone away and wipe myself off of the planet every time my mother throws out one of her curveballs. The latest, when she decided that I’d led a sheltered life set the wheels in motion for some extreme white-knuckle moments. I’ve worked incredibly hard to keep myself distracted enough that I am still breathing but in all honesty it’s been a bit touch and go over the last 36 hours. I seem to have once again become unattached to living. I can’t even put into words how awful things are in these moments.

I just want…

To quit.

Leave.

Check out.

Get as far as possible from what feels like a neverending cycle of pain and sadness and feeling unworthy of absolutely everything. Yesterday, I was ready. Like really, ready. The only person who knows how hard it is right now is T, but it took a lot to even tell him.

I went to therapy but was quiet, withdrawn and so far away in my session that I could barely find even a single word to say to T. I left early because I just couldn’t be in the same room as another person. Afterwards we texted a few times. In the end T told me that he needed me to stay close and keep him informed of what was happening. Today, he sent me another text checking on me and offered to text or chat whenever I was up for it. I’m too tired to talk to him right now. I answered just so he would know I was still here but that was about it.

I am just so tired.

And while during the day, I can keep the demons just on the outskirts, as nighttime approaches it feels like the walls are closing in on me. And now it feels too late to chat with T, so I’m writing this instead. It’s not the same, but it’s something, right?

15 thoughts on “unattached to living

  1. That is a terrible, terrible feeling. And it will go, too, though right now that is little comfort, i know. Because in the midst of it, it just feels like every other time. Like you haven’t learnt or grown or gotten better. Like you’re being slowly choked. The disbelief, that you can just be feeling so bad yet again is stifling.

    And, of course you are. You are triggered. You have been so so deeply misunderstood, your trials so minimized, your heart so unseen, by the person who’s meant to understand, love, respect, and see you. The pain that she doesn’t is huge.

    I know it, too.

    Please stay, though. It’s okay that you’re unattached to living tonight, but do whatever you can to bide your time until morning. Watch kitten videos. Read. Crochet. Cuddle a stuffed animal. Let out whatever needs to be let out from that hurting little girl. Bake cookies, and then eat them. Have tea. Rock yourself.

    Just please don’t give in to Shame, that guy is a true dick and also a liar liar pants on fire.

    And, your mom doesn’t get the last word on who you are. She just doesn’t. I don’t know you, except for reading your words here, and even I know she’s not right.

    So please, just stay a bit longer. Until this hurt recedes, coz it will. I’ll just park it here nearby until it does, if that’s okay.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Writing this was definitely something, it kept you busy, let you vent a little and hopefully helped if only a bit.
    Really hope today is a better day and you find a bit more grounding to keep you safe.
    I don’t know if you’ve tried grounding, focussing on your senses in the here and now. Find 5 sounds, 4 colours or specific shapes, find 3 physical sensations, 2 tastes and one smell. That sort of thing just to get your mind to focus on the world not your thoughts?
    Mothers, can be the most deeply painful people to talk to if they do it in that way.
    Unfortunately I know that “checking out” feeling all too well, I hope you can fight it till it passes and you can find your motivation to stay again xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thinking of you and offering you strength to get through these feelings. I know they will pass soon, and I hope you can show yourself as much compassion while they are present. You don’t deserve the feelings!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Maybe it’s a wish that by no longer existing, she’ll see the pain she has caused. But they won’t, they have zero empathy for us, and your death will simply be ammunition for your Mum to make you out to be the problem.

    You’re not the problem even though they have made you so in their minds. You are not alone and you are seen and heard and held in the hearts of your friends.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh, hugs. There is no shame in feeling this way after what happened with your mom. No matter how well you know not to expect (or dare to hope) for better, it’s the most fundamental human hope to hope anyway. And just knowing intellectually she was in the wrong doesn’t change that part of us that will always long for the family we should have been allowed to have. I’m glad you are trying to stay safe, and don’t push yourself if you instinctively still freeze up and try to minimize yourself even with T because that is what those comments- and your family in general- have trained you to reflexively do.

    Like

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