a sheltered life

The other day, out of the blue, my mother remarked to me about how I never appreciate her and all the things she has done for our family. She then proceeded to tell me it’s because I’ve led such a sheltered life.

I was so dumbfounded by her remark that I wasn’t even sure how to respond. ‘A sheltered life?‘, I wanted to scream at her ‘how exactly has any part of my life been sheltered?‘ Perhaps to her it feels that way because she has never really been a part of it. She left me. My own mother left me all the time with unsafe, abusive, angry people in places where I was certain I was going to die not knowing when, or even if, she would come back for me. If that’s what she considers sheltered, I’d hate to know what she thinks unsheltered looks like.

Of course I said nothing because my fear of conflict is greater than having hurt feelings so as per my usual method of dealing with her baseless comments, I walked away rather than starting a fight I knew I would never win.

As I sit here and write this post I feel bombarded by a million thoughts and feelings. I have absolutely no clue what to do with most of them but the underlying themes are hurt and sadness. She pours salt directly onto the wounds and rubs it in so hard that it burns and festers even more. It’s never going to quite heal properly no matter how much time passes. It truly feels as though she wants me to know just how much I have ruined her life.

I never realized that wanting to be loved and accepted by your own mother could be seen as an act of selfishness. She makes it feel like I am a constant disappointment and always in her way.

I currently feel caught up in very bad, not-good-enough feelings. When the one person on this whole entire planet who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn’t, there is nothing out there that can fill the gaping hole that forms.

Not a spouse.

Not a child.


Normally, this is where I would reach out to T for reassurance that she’s the bad person and I’m not quite the horrendous person I feel I am. But he seems so very far away this week and I feel quite disconnected from him. What would I say anyways? What would he? How many times can I whine about the fact that my parents were shit and I didn’t get what I needed and that I feel like nothing will ever make it feel better? And I have to be honest. T can’t fill the empty spaces the way they need to be filled either. He’s not my parent. He never will be. One day, eventually, he will have to go. That’s just how it works.

No matter how hard I’ve tried, it’s just never been right. And for a very long time I never knew why. I grew up never knowing what right was supposed to feel like. My truth is that I feel like damaged goods all the time.

That’s what my sheltered life has done for me.

21 thoughts on “a sheltered life

  1. Sheltered?! I wonder what she would define as abuse and neglect. The level of delusion from your mother is astounding.
    I often try to tell myself that if I had been given what I needed as a child I wouldn’t feel like this, and probably wouldn’t need therapy.

    Liked by 2 people

    • absolutely! I completely agree with you. I feel like if I had at least had a stable home life then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself all the time because at least I’d know my parents loved me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ugh, one of the last times I saw my mum she said something about how even though she shouted a lot at least I wasn’t horribly abused like some children. I was gobsmacked that we were semi-estranged and she was still seeking reassurance from me that I’m okay (didn’t say anything, obv, because conflict isn’t life-threatening!). It’s so shit that their denial has left us even more to try and heal. I’m sorry you had this and that you feel disconnected from T as well. Sending love and hugs xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I understand this ache so well. I feel like i will always be broken. Their story is that they just tried so hard with me, but I’m really hard to love. So negative and sensitive and critical and just really wrong about basically everything.

    That does something to your insides, believing that. Even when you encounter people who love you easily and readily and mightily.

    It feels like it can’t be undone. I hate that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m so sorry you can relate. I get the brokenness that comes from it all. I often feel like all of the shattered pieces left lying on the ground will never be put back together again.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I relate. My Dad said I have no valid struggles, that I have had a really easy and great life because he took us on vacations, and he should have beat me way more. My Mum completely denies all of her abuse, saying she really has no idea how she has ever done anything to hurt me.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yup, I believe they’re unable to see the harm they do, partly because they rationalise it away. Their belief and value system mean they cannot acknowledge the truth and therefore they make us into “the problem”.


  5. When you read things like this and know what’s going on underneath, you’d almost not believe it, except for those of us that know exactly how real these kinds of ‘parents’ are. It’s just bonkers. I mean has she got her head so far up her arse that she really has no clue how your childhood was the opposite of sheltered? Or does she think that by saying stuff like that often enough it’ll make it real, that you’ll be the awful nuisance child that is a disappointment despite your sheltered childhood, as apposed to a child that was neglected and abandoned and left to survive by yourself in all the abuse.

    It just makes me so mad, that these parents exist, that I, like you, have a narcissistic mum just like that, that as ever, those little kids that were abused have to continue wishing for parents they have never, and will never, have. Ugh, Im just sorry to read that you’re another person to know the pain of it

    Liked by 1 person

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