the nightmare

It’s taken me a couple of days to even type this post but I feel like I must because it’s all a bit unnerving honestly. I know people have dreams about their therapists because I’ve read about it on their blogs. I also know T says that dreams/nightmares are important because it means that your mind is trying to work through things. I have recurring nightmares that go back to my childhood and it is not something I am terribly comfortable talking about. Even though he never pushes, T has always said it’s okay to share if I’m ever ready to do so.

But as for having dreams about T?

I’ve never, ever, not in the whole 5 years that I’ve been in therapy, had a dream/nightmare about him. Until the other night, that is. And I’m quite certain I won’t be able to even mention to him that it happened, let alone tell him the details, because it has left me absolutely engulfed in feelings I just can’t quite describe.

So what possibly could have happened, you wonder?

I had a very vivid and horrifying dream that T was going to kill me. He wanted to take my life. He made some off-handed comment about going hunting and that he knew where to find the perfect target. Then he pointed a gun at me, pulled the trigger and laughed.

T.

My T.

The man who once told me that he won’t even get a cat because he likes to watch the birds and would be worried the cat would get out and eat them. The person who never, ever, in all the time I’ve known him, not once has gotten angry with me or even so much as raised his voice at me. The man who answers my text messages on Christmas Day and during his vacation in Europe. He morphed into some sort of monster who wanted me dead and even did it himself.

And while I’m fairly certain he does not actually want me dead (although I’m now wondering if he secretly hates me and wants me to go away), I’m considering cancelling my next session as I am feeling quite unsure of being near him at the moment.

5 thoughts on “the nightmare

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