I tend to do random, spur of the moment things when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to work on finding ways of coping in between my sessions with T that don’t involve me isolating and turning everything on myself. On really bad days I’ve been putting my hand to paper and without filter have written all of the horrendous thoughts barreling through my mind.
The other day I sat down to write and it got me thinking about my blog. After a short time I started to realize that I no longer felt good about anything I had published and was seriously considering deleting the whole thing. Blogging for me has never been about how many people follow me or how many likes and comments I get in each post. I have a job so using my blog as income has never been a goal of mine either. I guess, like many people, I wanted a different place to write my story that didn’t feel quite as isolating as a private journal. And I think it has helped greatly with that.
So, what was the problem with my blog then?
The title. I hated the title of my blog. ‘This Takes Courage’. Like, what does that even mean? What did it say about me? It’s not how I look at my life now, or ever, to be honest.
I don’t feel courageous when I write. I don’t feel courageous when I go to therapy and tell all of my awful secrets to T. I don’t feel brave. Ever. Saying I was courageous made me feel fake, wrong and unworthy.
So, I decided to change the name of my blog. But it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. It was hard to find a name that accurately described how I view myself in the world. I’m still unsure of who I am and whether or not I belong here most of the time.
I thought about my life and the way I am in the world and tried to describe the feelings associated with living. I couldn’t settle on any one thing except that everything just felt complicated. And that was it. That’s where my new blog name comes from–‘It Feels Complicated’– because that’s how life feels to me most of the time.
I know it’s just a name. And changing a name doesn’t really change who we are inside. But at least the title of my blog no longer feels fake to me. So, I’m still here but with a new name. Still finding my way through life trying to figure out where, or even if, I belong.