Easter of firsts

Well, another Easter is in the books and I’m sure others would agree that it was an Easter like no other. For myself it was an Easter of a few firsts. The most obvious first was not being able to leave my house and go wherever I wanted. This year I also experienced a new first with T. Lastly, there was a big one–experiencing my first holiday without M.

T and I chatted on Good Friday which has never happened in all of the time I’ve known him. It was his suggestion but for some reason I felt like I was intruding on some important space of his. It was another example where I looked at T and I and thought to myself ‘don’t you have something better to do with your time than waste it on me‘.

T and I have been trying something different as I wasn’t feeling very connected with the messaging app we were using. Now I write out some pages for him and send them before the session. When it’s time to start we log into the messenger app, he makes sure that it’s okay to call (privacy tends to be a huge issue for me), I put in my headphones so nobody can overhear the conversation and then he reads the letter and comments on what I’ve said. If I have anything to add or if I need to clarify anything for him, I type it out on the messenger and he comments back. It might seem like a lot of work but I have always had a lot of anxiety in trying to verbalize any of my deepest thoughts and feelings. Even in our normal sessions T will often let me write things on paper to him and then he will offer his input. So while it’s not as good as seeing him in person and although we’ve only just had two sessions this way, I can say that it’s definitely better than just messaging.

It’s good to hear T’s voice. It calming and safe and alleviates the fear that I’m sending random messages to some robot living inside my computer. It helps to bridge that gap that has been growing over the last month or so. I still lose him sometimes between sessions but I hope that this will make a little bit of difference. I do feel guilty for asking him to make so many concessions for me as I’ve already asked him so many times before to change the way we do things and so far he’s been quite accommodating but I don’t want to ask too much before he gets tired of it. After each session he makes sure that I know I can email or text or call whenever I need to. I’ve been trying hard not to take advantage of it though. Mostly because I have so much shame for needing him but also because I am deathly terrified that he will take back his offer. And I don’t think I would survive long without him.

On top of those things we’ve also been trying to work through the physical distance because I am still having such a hard time with it. Last week we had a meeting a work and we were informed that we should not expect to be back at work before July 1st. Let’s just say that piece of news sent me into a bit of a tailspin and full of questions.

Would I be able to last in my house with my mother for that length of time? Because it’s been very hard for me to be trapped in this space with the one person who I’ve wanted to love me for my entire life and who just doesn’t have the capability or desire to do so. Would I be able to last that long without seeing T and having things remain the way they are? Because I honestly don’t feel that I have reached the point where I can go that long without being in his physical presence. I did discuss this with T and he tried his best to reassure me that it would not be that long for us to meet because he is considered an essential worker and it’s really up to us to decide when we get together again. So basically we need to just wait a little while longer and hopefully, at least where him and I are concerned, will go back to being somewhat normal.

The last first of Easter for me was the absence of M. This was the first holiday ever that I haven’t spent with him. The ex’s wife is a PSW which means she spends a lot of time with vulnerable members of the community while going from house to house. When the provincial lockdown came into effect because of coronavirus we decided that M would stay where he was and that C would stay where he was. Agreeing to this arrangement was based on deciding what would be the safest course of action for everyone. In my wildest thoughts, I never thought that it would be such a long time before I would see my child again. It’s hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And while I can try to tell myself that M is where he is because it was something him and his father wanted, it still makes me feel like a horrific mother. And I know the courts have come out and said that there should be no changes to custody decisions, it just felt like the right decision at the time. I know I will see M again soon, but I’m just not sure if it will be soon enough.

So another Easter is over and we continue living in this new normal that we all find ourselves in. I’m not entirely sure how many of us will come out of it unscathed. I don’t think that I will. For now though, I’m continuing on.

2 thoughts on “Easter of firsts

  1. I would say you’re a good mother for putting your family’s safety (and M’s) above your desire to see him.

    I’m glad you and T have found a way to do sessions that works for now, and hopefully you’ll be able to get back to in-person sessions soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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