Well, I’ve just finished week 3 of the new normal. I’m still working about half of my time at home and half at work because I’m still on the essential list, so I really have yet to fully settle in to the remote working life.
Work is actually quite busy. I never thought I would ever say this but I actually wish that I could spend a few days sitting I one place writing policies. We’re still hard at work making hand sanitizer but after this coming week we might be halting for a bit as we wait for some more chemicals to arrive. As of yesterday, it seems like the order won’t be coming until the end of April. It’s hard not to feel bad about it too. While I know I have no control over it I still feel like we are going to be letting our essential services such as the hospitals, health units and other first responders down.
I do have a few irons in the fire though so I hope one of them comes through. I decided to email our MP and he has sent the information up the chain to the parliamentary minister and I also called in some other big guns that I never use. While I don’t talk much at all to my brother, in this case, I reached out in sheer desperation and asked him to call any contacts he could think of. With one or two emails he was able to put me in touch with the CEO and VP of the company that is the largest producer of ethanol in Canada. They were amazing and are working to do what they can to help but at the moment there is a critical shortage of ethanol. They are working around the clock with Health Canada to approve additional product so I hope the shortage doesn’t last too long. Regardless, their emails look promising so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we won’t have to stop what we’re doing. I can most definitely say that work has kept me on my toes and the three weeks has flown by.
In other areas of life week 3 hasn’t been a fantastic week by any means. On Thursday I had some disappointing news on my phone appointment with my GP. I was all prepared with my prescriptions because I wanted him to know exactly how long I had left with each of them and as I started to ask him how long he thought this would last he told me he had something to say. He then proceeded to tell me that as of yesterday he would no longer be my doctor and I would have to find someone new. I didn’t really understand the whole thing but basically someone…I’m thinking the health centre building he works in..has told him he no longer has a practice. He said that they fired all of his staff and told him they were going on Monday and taking all of his files. He said they broke the contract and that he was getting a lawyer but that he thought it would be better for me to find someone else. He gave me prescriptions for 8 months and that was it.
Let’s just say all of it does not sit well with me. While I know he’s been a bit of an ass at times, he was still better then not having a doctor at all. And with everything going on in these times, I have no idea how I would even get a new family doctor in the next little while. The strange thing with it all is that my mother’s friend has the same GP and she had an appointment later in the day with him and he said nothing to her at all about it. So, now of course part of me feels like it’s me and that I’ve done something wrong and he’s just saying all of this to get rid of me because I’m too much.
I told T about it and he told me to keep checking the OCPS (Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons) web site to see if he did something wrong. I had already checked and there was nothing there but I’ll keep checking in the next while. I can’t see it though because while he’s not the most fantastic, I don’t think he would do something so inappropriate that he would lose his license. Mostly, it just feels like a big mess and I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen now.
I’m also still not sleeping well at all and I asked T yesterday whether or not it was possible to die from being tired. I’m not quite sure what else to do to feel less tired and now it’s not like I even have a doctor to discuss it with.
Things with T just feel strange lately and it’s very uncomfortable. This lack of physical closeness is extremely difficult and as more time goes on, the less it feels like I even know him. He probably hasn’t changed at all but without being able to see him in person it’s hard to feel otherwise. I’m trying really hard not to reach out and bother him because honestly it sort of makes things feel worse in some ways. It’s like not knowing whether or not he is still there feels better than knowing he is there and not being able to get to him. It often feels akin to a very cruel game of having something just at the tip of your fingers and just as you’re about to grab it it’s snatched away again.
I often find myself wondering if T and I will survive these times. I know he’s not going to work forever and he is almost 70, so it’s not like he has tons of years left to go before retiring. I can’t help but wonder if this will be the push he needs to actually decide to go through with it. And if things continue to go the way they are, I wonder if we will ever even have proper goodbye sessions.
I also would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that T will get this virus and die. At the same time I feel like an awful person because I don’t have the same worries about my own mother. I guess what has me so worried with T is that he’s just only finished his radiation treatments last week and while he says his immunities are fine, I’m not quite sure whether or not I believe him. Like, is he saying it because it’s true or because he doesn’t want me to totally freak out and lose my mind? I hope it’s true.
I guess most of all, I just hope that T stays well and safe and that maybe one day soon I can walk into his office, sit on his couch and sink into that place where it’s just him and me, even if it’s for only 50 minutes twice a week.