the wall has been hit

I felt like I’d been doing fairly well the last two weeks settling into working from home, helping the youngest try to keep up with some schoolwork and being a mother all at the same time. It’s a lot but I thought I was doing okay with it all.

Today though, I have this deep sense of just hitting the wall. I’ve not slept well the last few nights and unfortunately I have never been one who can function properly on little sleep. I’ve been trying some of the meditation apps that T showed me to try to help me relax at bedtime and either I’m crap at them or they just don’t seem to be working. Last night my ear was sore and today my head hurts. I’m not worried that I have coronavirus because I don’t have a fever or cough and also barely leave my house. But, I honestly feel a bit shit today.

I’m wondering if perhaps I’ve done too much the last couple of weeks, run myself ragged working late into the evenings trying to get everything accomplished in a short period of time and now my lupus is flaring up because I’ve not allowed myself the rest I sometimes need. To top it off, I may have gotten a bit of sun on Saturday when I went for a walk. I had my SPF 60 on but it’s been such a long time since we’ve seen the sun, that perhaps it was a bit much. Lupus and sunshine do not mix and at least 2 of my medications make me more susceptible to sunburn…so it’s a really bad combination for a freckly-faced lupie like me. :/

I’m still trying to work today, but email is extremely slow and I can’t seem to access my remote desktop. I’m doing the best that I can, but it’s all a bit frustrating to be honest. It’s also our year-end at work which doesn’t help considering 90,000 people are trying to log into the same work-space during the day. I also have this feeling like I’m forgetting to do something that absolutely needs to be done by tomorrow even though it’s probably nothing at all.

This morning I also received a call from my GP. I was supposed to have an appointment on Thursday morning but he’s not seeing anyone at the office which doesn’t surprise me at all. He is still doing appointments via the telephone though. I’m not quite sure how it will all work but it’s better than nothing because otherwise if I don’t talk to him I’m going to run out of a few of my medications within the next week or so….and I would rather go without medications then find myself at a walk-in clinic trying to get them renewed. I’m fairly certain my pharmacy would advance them to me since I’ve been on most of them for a while now, but I figure that as long as I can cover the essentials with my GP via telephone it should work out okay. It might actually be better because I’m not a huge fan of him at the best of times and I honestly wasn’t keen on sitting in a small waiting room with a bunch of people I don’t know.

I seem to be having a hard time with a whole whack of attachment issues today. I thought that I was doing okay with the separation but I also think part of me was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. And sure enough, last night I got nailed with the sensation of just how incredibly far away T feels at the moment. I would’ve thought that after all the years we’ve spent together and also due to the fact that we are still in contact twice a week would have alleviated the feelings, but apparently not. I find it so incredibly frustrating that this still happens. I can try my best to try to distract myself, practice breathing and meditation and write it all out in my journal but regardless, out of the blue, it’s like ‘wham‘ I’m hit with all of these unbearable feelings. Of course with those feelings also comes the never-ending sense of shame and frustration. Like, I can’t believe I’m actually still not able to make it 5 whole days without feeling as though T has fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve sent him a text just to make sure he’s still there but otherwise I don’t even know what  to say because it all feels so ridiculous and childish. And I know other people are having the same issues, so it’s not like I’m all alone in it all, but fuck, I just want things to feel a bit easier for a little while.

For now, I’ve hit the wall and I know that trying to force my way through it won’t make a lick of difference. I think this afternoon I might log off from work, watch a cheesy movie and feel just a little bit sorry for myself.

4 thoughts on “the wall has been hit

  1. You’re not alone xx Two years ago I shared a blog post of yours with K, where you’d written about your brain erasing T and it was the first thing I’d ever seen that described what happens to me with K. T said what happens for you is proof of what happened to you as a baby, and reading it helped me so much to understand what happens for me and why. Please know you are not the only person this happens to and it’s not because there is something wrong with you. Today I spoke to K and it felt like there was just a disembodied voice in my ears, like she didn’t exist at all and I couldn’t feel her or myself in my body. In that post your T had also said that what you and he have cannot be broken, and when I shared that post with K she said said the same to me. What we have with them cannot be broken, it is still there and it exists for them even when we can’t feel it or them at all. Sending love 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks love. I hope today was better for you. It’s all such shit really but I know T will help me figure it all out, even if it’s only from a keyboard. Keep well. 💕

      Liked by 1 person

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