to block or not…

I spent the whole weekend thinking (oh who the fuck am I kidding, it was more like agonizing) about what I am going to do in regards to the situation involving my ex and his wife.

Let’s face it. I already feel bad about myself 99.9% of the time, so I definitely don’t need anyone else to help with it. For some reason though, all too often, it feels like they know just when to add that additional 0.1% to make me feel like a completely worthless human being. The last string of messages on Friday was no exception.

I felt so upset that I eventually reached out to a friend of mine who just happens to be one of those brutally honest people that we all need in our lives. I knew she would tell me if I was missing something in regards to C because I was stuck in this vicious cycle of feeling like I just didn’t get it. She’s known C since junior kindergarten and our sons are in the same grade and play together all the time. I knew she would notice if something had changed. Right away she told me that C has been the same person as he was the very first day she met him. She said that he’s never changed and he probably never will and if someone is saying otherwise they are lying. I felt a lot better after that conversation. I also felt like I needed to make an important decision when it comes to communicating with M and C’s father and his wife.

For the longest time I’ve felt like a wedge was being driven between M and I and I feel like I’ve been losing him. I’ve especially noticed it over the last year or so and I’ve fought tooth and nail to hold onto the son that I love. But as more time goes by, I feel further and further away from him. Now, it feels like C is being pushed away from their ‘family‘, and my heart feels absolutely shattered for him.

I decided over the weekend that I need to do something but it feels like no matter what I do, it’s going to go badly. At the moment, I’m contemplating blocking all communication from my ex’s wife. It does come with a high price because blocking her means I will most likely see less of M than I already do. It also means C will most likely see less of his father than he already does.

Does that mean I shouldn’t do it? I don’t really know, but I think their father needs to step it up a bit and get more involved in the decisions that are made regarding his sons. He has had almost no communication with me since his new wife came into the picture and when he does communicate it’s via speakerphone and she is right there chirping in the background. She’s the one who arranges the pickups and drop-offs and gets out of the vehicle while he stays inside it. She’s the one who always wants to meet for coffee to discuss things and tells me what I can and can’t do with M when he comes to my house. Their father has basically taken a back seat and lets her do all the communicating, yelling and name calling. I’m tired of it. I can’t do it anymore. That 0.1% just might finally break me.

I need to decide whether I can live with things ending up feeling even worse than they are right now. To block or not? Is it worth the risk?

3 thoughts on “to block or not…

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