we are strangers

It feels as though at any moment everything I’ve ever known or felt will come to a screeching halt. I’ve tied a knot at the end of the rope and have held on for dear life. I’m holding on. At least I think I am. Some days I’m not so sure.

Loads has gone on since my last post I’m sure, but if you were to ask me what has happened, I don’t know if I could tell you. My mind does not seem to work properly these days and I am having a hard time remembering much of anything. I’ve been operating at an unmanageable level the last while and I can feel the bottom starting to crumble and fall.

T came back the week before Thanksgiving. I actually spent a lot of time debating about whether it was a good idea to go back. Part of me doesn’t feel so sure about it. Something is saying to stay where I am. There is this feeling deep inside where it’s hard to see the point of opening up again, trusting him, making myself vulnerable again, because….he will keep leaving. And that’s fine, that’s the way of the world, but….it hurts.

I feel uncertain. Afraid. Afraid of going back to the place where it feels like if I don’t see him or communicate with him I might disintegrate. I don’t know if I can go through that agony again where the pain of his absence seems to seep through my pores. I had only just started to get use to the idea of him not being there. It was like I could feel myself retreat into myself–and it was a bit of relief–and some days I found myself going for longer and longer periods of time in which I would forget that I even knew him.

Nothing feels like I thought it would. He feels like a stranger to me. We feel broken. I don’t know if it’s a permanent thing but I definitely feel like I’ve been here before. It’s not the same as other times where I was angry that he left me, though. This time it feels more like defeat.

Maybe it’s all just a waste of time and I’m going to be one of those people who won’t ever form lasting connections. Perhaps I’m just too broken and those fragile strings that hold us to other people don’t exist in me anymore. Maybe they’ve been forever severed. I don’t know.

Does this story ever end?

4 thoughts on “we are strangers

  1. I was thinking about you this week and wondering how you are. I’m sorry things feel so hard. I can imagine how unsettling it all feels right now with T. It must feel hard to trust and open yourself up again. Just take it slow. You can’t rush it. Big hugs and lots of love x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s