I wish things could slow down a little bit

I feel like tons has been going on, but I just haven’t had the energy to write on my blog. I’ve been doing loads of writing in my journal, but I feel so exposed writing on here, that I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Hmmmm, where to begin….

Work is still challenging. I’ve always taken pride in my work but lately I don’t feel good about it whatsoever. My boss still won’t acknowledge me and I’ve not talked to him since the beginning of August. I’ve been trying to get things done, and I am a little bit, but since I cannot even catch a glimpse of what catching up might look like, I feel quite discouraged about it all. I’m trying very hard not to be negative, so I spend the majority of my time just being quiet and hiding to my office. The longer this goes on though, the more I’m thinking a long break from this place might be the best thing for me. I’ve also got my mid-year performance evaluation tomorrow and while I’ve never had a bad review I’m not so sure about this time around. I don’t even know what to say to my supervisor because if I say anything about how things feel all I’m going to hear from him is that everyone is busy. What’s the point of saying anything when he just brushes me off?

I’m not naive enough to believe that I’m the only one overworked. I know that other people are busy too. But I’ve sort of reached the point where I don’t care about them being overworked, I only care about me (so selfish). To make matters worse, it’s also a well known fact there are a few people who don’t have enough work to do. The problem is that they can’t give them anymore work because they are incompetent and I find it incredibly frustrating that because they decided to hire incompetent people, everyone else has to bear the weight of extra work. There is one girl down the hall who, no word of a lie, spends Friday afternoons making popcorn!! Like seriously?!?! I can’t even keep up with real work and she’s busy making popcorn!! And nobody is allowed to say anything to her or she runs to the big boss and we get reprimanded for it and are told we aren’t allowed to talk to her anymore. Instead of firing her or actually managing her, they’re going to hire two more people to help get the work done. So she gets to do less, still makes a decent wage and the rest of us are just supposed to suck it up. I’m sorry, but this isn’t elementary school and we all need to put in the same amount of effort to get things done. It’s almost as though they reward those who do less and then just stick it to the people who work their tails off.

I’m also still really unhappy about the upcoming audit in October and whenever I try to voice my concerns I feel like I am talking to myself. I know I can’t do anything to change it but I’m literally having nightmares about it all. The other day I dreamt I was stuck in a room with 5 people staring at me, all asking questions at the same time and I couldn’t say anything. It was as though my brain could not even process the words they were using. At one point I stood up and just started yelling at them all and then burst into tears. I’m terrified that it’s actually going to happen and then I’m going to be known as the person who loses their mind and goes crazy in the workplace. I know it’s probably not going to go as horribly as I imagine, but I’ve never had nightmares about work before (although I did almost cry in an audit once or twice).

And of course there are always the other nightmares. They’ve been pretty constant lately. And I’m not talking about the ones where you find yourself naked in a room full of people or anything like that. I’m talking about disgusting, horrible, terrifying shit that leaves one so shaken that it follows you around for days. I’m actually convinced they count as traumatic all by themselves. T once told me I should write them out and try to pull them apart. I’ve tried to do that but sometimes it feels like nothing necessarily means anything. I don’t know.

Speaking of T. We miss him horribly. Not that we’re keeping count or anything, but it’s been 25 days since we’ve seen him :/  The day before his surgery, I sent him a text. It was a hard thing to do actually because it’s not an easy knowing what to say when you know someone is having surgery for cancer. Good luck just feels so lame so we didn’t do that. We sent something incredibly cheesy and just as lame as ‘good luck’ and then proceeded to have horrible nightmares all night. The day after, we woke up panicked and scanned the obituaries. Not that it would have been there that quickly had anything happened anyways but knowing he wasn’t listed made it feel like at least he was somewhere in the world.

I actually know for a fact that he’s still alive because he sent a message on Friday telling us he was doing well and that he would be back to town in one weeks time. We didn’t even know T had to leave town for his surgery but in a way it was probably better that way. It’s one thing knowing he was having surgery but a completely different thing when he is having surgery hours away as the kilometric distance adds to the distress we feel when he is gone. I don’t know how much longer he’s going to be away, but I figure it’s going to be at least another 4 weeks 😥

On top of everything else, last week was a bit of a disaster. My mother’s very good friend died of ovarian cancer. The last year has been absolutely horrific as we watched her go from this woman who was always on the go and taking care of everyone to someone who could barely even walk. Watching her fight the way that she did…I don’t know…I don’t know if I could do that. I find it heartbreaking because on top of everything else, she was a really good mom too and I know her children and their families are devastated. In some ways I think part of me always sort of hoped that if my mom spent enough time with her friend, those really good mothering skills would rub off on her and she could be a really good mom too. The funeral was Saturday and then later that evening I was out at a bachelorette party for a really good friend of mine. At the party her friends were talking about their really good moms and then my friend’s mom showed up. Her mom is an absolutely fantastic mother and again, I felt sad because I wished my mom could be that way too. I got home that night–not too late–maybe about 10:30ish and my mother was sitting alone in the basement and was absolutely shit-faced. At that moment I realized that I have to start letting go of the wishes for something different from my mother. She needs to learn to fight her own demons before I can have any hopes of something different from her.

Things haven’t been good for a while but sometimes I think I’m doing okay. But I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I’m really here anymore most of the time. It’s like I’m far away, living in a parallel world away from everything that is going on. I walk around and notice all these floating objects around me. It is impossible for this to happen, yet I remain unfazed by it all. The clock stops. Time no longer exists. I think it’s how we cope with the harsh reality of this world. Some days, I think it’s the only way we survive.

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