happy birthday M

Today M turns 10. My little boy is growing up and has now entered double-digits. I have no idea where the last 10 years have gone and feel like I’ve missed so much even though I’ve been here the whole time.

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It’s been 5 months since M hasn’t lived with me. I would be lying if I said things weren’t easier in a lot of ways, but something about him being gone still hurts. Today is the first time he hasn’t woken up in my house on his birthday and it’s a strange feeling. A part of me feels like it’s missing.

I feel cut out of his life, replaced by his father’s perfect wife who they portray as the best parent in the world. Their new tactic is to remind me incessantly that M lives with them now as though he was some sort of prize that needed to be won. I often question the real motive and whether they really wanted M or if they just didn’t want M to be with me. He’s still just a little boy in so many ways. 

And me? I’ve adjusted in some ways. I’ve learned not to respond to any messages or only respond with facts. I leave all emotion out of it and I’ve told both my ex and his wife that I am not bailing them out of anything to do with M. They pushed and pushed to have him, so that means they need to step up and deal with all things that are M–the good, the bad and the ugly.

I guess we’ve reached the point where we are settling into a new normal–if anything about this is normal.

So today M turns 10 and while he won’t be with me, I will keep him close inside. I miss him. I love him. But this is the way it needs to be right now.

Happy Birthday my boy!  ❤

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