the way it used to be

At least once a day I ask myself if I knew how awful it would feel to feel all of the things I never felt for so many years, whether I would still go through everything I am going through. Most days I can’t come up with a satisfying answer.

I always thought it was a matter of me looking at the world differently and feeling differently than other people. I got stuff done–I was good at my job, I was good at taking care of things and I was really good at appearing to be a ‘normal’ functioning member of society.

I don’t feel that way anymore. Work is hard. Life is hard. Pretending is hard.

Once I started to feel things, to look at them and spend more time being ‘present‘, it just knocked me off of my feet. It’s been a giant kick in the backside. Neither comfortable nor welcome.

I can never quite figure out why it has to be this way. I want to be like them. Just living my life without giving a second thought. Not worried as to how the decisions made have carved out a path that should not have been followed.

Nothing feels right. Not how I feel and not how I think. Not how I am. I want it to be different. No, that’s not right. I NEED it to be different. Because it’s too hard to remain just as it is.

I feel myself wanting to be somewhere else. Somewhere quieter where my thoughts don’t seem so loud.

Sometimes, I’d like to go back to the time before. To the time when it didn’t seem to hurt so much. Where I didn’t feel so much. Where even though I felt a piece of my puzzle was missing, it wasn’t an all-consuming bottomless pit that just couldn’t be filled. Where feeling nothing was something. Where things didn’t have to get worse, before they got better. Where being alone was not the same as feeling alone. Where shitty, hurtful love was better than not feeling loved at all.

But, perhaps going back to the way it used to be is simply a child’s wish after all.

2 thoughts on “the way it used to be

  1. I’ve said it before (written bout it tonnes of times too), making us ‘present’ and feeling, is cruel. i think it happens when its necessary, but shouldn’t be forced on us. was definitely my mistake. i’m doing a huge reverse & starting that shit again now.
    my pace.
    love & light to yah xoxox

    Like

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