catastrophic

/ Mac

I saw T yesterday and we talked about some of the things that I posted last time in where do you think I am?

He asked me if terror, panic and nothingness weren’t about missing and needing, then what were they about? I couldn’t explain it no matter how hard I tried and all I felt was an enormous amount of shame sitting just under the surface.

You don’t think any of this is because there is something wrong with you, do you? You don’t think that this is something you can change on your own or that you can just make go away?  Because there is no way you can learn these things alone and there just has never been an opportunity for you to understand how it’s supposed to be. It is not your fault that you think and feel this way. It will get better and you will tell me when it starts to feel differently right?

How will I know? 

You won’t feel so scared and alone. You will feel stronger. You will feel like I am with you, even though you can’t see or hear me.

How does it feel?

Less scary. Safer. Easier. You will know that you are loved, well thought of and cared about–because you very much are. 

It will feel like right now, when we are together, but all the time? I wanted to ask, but didn’t have the courage to do so.

Then I asked him if he wanted me to stop messaging him. He wanted to know if I felt obliged to stop messaging him. I nodded my head yes and then he told me that I can message him whenever I want or need to–he doesn’t mind and that it’s okay. The one thing we need to work on is my understanding of delays in responding, he said. I need to know that delays are only because he is human and although something might be keeping him from answering, it’s never because of me.

Then he brought up the Christmas holidays–AGAIN. Cue the tears and the panic.

Now, I’m not sure about the rest of you, but for me, I’d rather talk about the weather than Christmas holidays, Easter holidays, or any type of holiday in general. I know it’s not going to change anything but there is a small part of me that hopes by not talking about it, it’s just not going to happen. :/

Hahahahah. Nice try, right?

Like many of you, I am dreading the upcoming holidays. I’m dreading the people, the visits, the expectations, the feelings of not quite doing it right. But most of all, I’m dreading what’s there, in the background–which isn’t really in the background at all when I come to think of it–the therapy break and time away from T. If I can make myself sit and actually think about it (which, let’s face it, I don’t like to do), I’m really quite lucky. It won’t be weeks and weeks of time away and it’s not really that long that we won’t see each other.

T offered to switch Christmas week  and said that we could meet on the 24th rather than not meeting at all. It felt really nice nice considering he doesn’t even work Mondays but also made me feel really needy. It’s his regular day off and is also Christmas Eve and I’m sure T would much rather be spending time with his family. He could sense the hesitation in accepting so he told me I could think about it.

The difference if we were to meet on the 24th would mean 9 days of break rather that 12 as we would be back to our regular schedule on January 2nd. That’s not too many days, right? It’s less than two weeks. But it still feels awful.

I told T that I don’t like changes in my routine. They feel scary. He told me it’s a lot more than that and it’s not just a change in routine for me. Things like this are simply catastrophic because every single change and break feels like an ending.

Capture

Catastrophic?

Is that right?

I’ve never thought of describing things that way before. However, I can definitely understand why he would say it after reading the definition. It does feel disastrous, apocalyptic and fatal when T is gone. It doesn’t feels survivable at all. Logically, I get that the world is not going to end. Emotionally though? Fat fucking chance.

T went on to say that sometimes breaks can be good for us. They help us learn, grow and move forward. The adult me shakes my head and agrees. The young parts of me doth protest and wanted to scream and cry that things just cannot be better without him.

Why does this have to feel so fucking hard all the time? Uggggghhhh…

There is plenty of uncertainty in this world.

2018 was incredibly rough.

I’ll be glad when this year is finally over.

12 thoughts on “catastrophic”

  1. You are the first person I ever came across who ‘disappears’ people the way I do. I printed out a blog post of yours and showed it to K and she told me to keep hold of it because it is proof that this happens to me for a reason and to other people too. It is in my parts journal and I have written under it how this is evidence that I was abandoned as a baby, etc. which is what your T had said to you.

    You’re right it is not missing someone. It is much more defended and primal than that. They literally cease to exist. I used to have no sense of K at all, like someone had erased her from my mind with a big, watery paintbrush. I had no idea who she was, what we had talked about, why she was important (I knew she was and that I’d spent hundreds of hours with her, but I had no felt sense of it at all). I would get to session sometimes and not be able to remember having been there before. It was awful for both of us.

    What I wanted to say was how my brain erased K entirely hundreds of times in our first 3 years of working together. And now it doesn’t. I never, ever in a million years thought this could happen for me. What your T said about how ‘You won’t feel so scared and alone. You will feel stronger. You will feel like I am with you, even though you can’t see or hear me’ has honestly happened for me now. I honestly, truly feel she is with me all the time, like you wanted to ask – it feels like when I am with her, but (nearly) all the time. It is the biggest and most healing and profound thing that has ever happened for me and I cannot believe it has actually happened. This week has been absolutely horrific with the mother wound stuff, but I’ve still known K is there and felt her presences. I’ve needed her in person because it’s been so bad, but it has still felt different. I haven’t lost her (and consequently it makes our 9 day Christmas break feel okay!).

    Sorry for the essay but I just really hope this might give you some hope too that one day your brain will stop doing this – I don’t know anyone else this erasure happens for in quite the same way and whilst I really wish you didn’t experience it, the fact you shared your experience helped K and I to understand what happens for me so much.

    Sending love xxx

    T

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    • What I love most about your comment is that you understand, and I mean absolutely understand the agonizing pain that it is to lose someone in your mind. To show up and feel like you are talking to a stranger. To be in a place and be surrounded by strange things, smells and sounds. To feel like it is the first time you’ve ever spoken to someone and not recognize them as safe after spending years with them.

      It’s been a huge uphill battle to try to explain and find the right words to help him understand how it feels (and that it’s more than simply missing him). After yesterday, I have more faith that T is finally starting to see that it’s so much more. At first I felt as though it was too much but maybe catastrophic is the right word to describe what happens.

      I told him that all I’ve ever wanted to know is that he was still there. Nothing more. I honestly believe nothing will be as difficult as this in my therapy journey. And maybe this will be all we will ever need to do. Maybe the rest won’t matter so much.

      I’m glad that you now have K as a constant in your mind. Thank you for giving me the hope that one day I will get that with T.

      Sending hugs and lots of love your way…xx

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  2. I completely understand and I’m so glad T is starting to and that it is not missing someone or attachment pain and needing them and not being able to have them – it is more extreme than that. I liken it to when Hermione does the obliviate spell in Harry Potter and she disappears from photos and her parents have no memory of her having ever existed.

    It is agony to have our brains erase someone and just have an empty space. I used to get to K’s and feel like I’d never been there before. I used to text in a panic saying I didn’t know her and asking if she knew me. It is crazy-making. I remember it happening in a few seconds one time, literally like someone had whitewashed that part of my brain and she was gone. And it’s awful because I would reach for a memory of her to make me feel safe and there was nothing there.

    I say this so you know how extreme it has been for me – it made K so sad when I got there and said I didn’t know her – because I think it shows there is hope. And I think you’re right about it being the biggest part of your therapy journey – it definitely has been for me (things are still very hard but I feel safe in the shit now more often than not lol). I guess it represents our most profound wounding.

    Holding hope for you xxx

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  3. Wow, you guys! I just realized I actually feel T is here, even though she is not and she had to cancel our Wednesday and we won’t speak till Saturday. I am angry and sad, …… and still feel her here.
    THANK YOU. TS

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  5. shit gf … you are doing awesome!! might feel like shit but it reads like progress from this end & i life the realness of it all. it’s raw & fucking messy & thats life right!!

    been trying to write a post for awhile … but the list of it is, for next year, i’ve completely re-written my calendar. no more christmas, no more easter holidays. i haven’t even replaced all of them, some like christmas, i’ve changed to a ‘family day’ with those i love. strangely enough, even in the action of doing this i felt freaking good … it felt like mine for a change!!! xxx

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