it’s not that simple

TW: talk of suicide 

I had this from earlier in the week, but I didn’t want to post it. Today, I decided I would….

The week is stretching out before me. I feel restless. Tired, because it hurts to be here. A little bit scared. I can feel myself starting to drift away, like a little boat that finds itself tossed by unrelenting waves and being pushed out to sea.

Perhaps I should reach out. My little boat has become so very far from shore.

I am afraid to face the thoughts are that constantly nagging me….always there, ready to pounce during moments of weakness.  The thoughts have been coming on so much stronger lately. The question. Always the question.  Why?

You are waiting.

Patiently.

Until the next time…..

But what if there isn’t a next time?

Things seem so much simpler when it becomes a battle of living vs. dying. Thoughts of the future, wondering where I’ll end up, disappear.  There is no thinking about the past–or none that I am aware of.

There is just relief. And freedom. And release.

And guilt.

For thinking about giving up. For thinking it would be better to leave them without me. For putting myself first. For even wanting to.

And yearning.

I want someone to be able to take the pain away.  For someone to catch me when I fall through the floor.  To return to the time when everything came crashing down and none of it even happened, so that I wouldn’t be where I am now.  Yearning that I would no longer have a reason for not doing it.

Everything is just made up of desires though.  While I can sit and wish for all of those things to happen, they won’t.  I think sometimes, we just need to know that it’s okay to feel the way that we do and that it doesn’t make us unworthy and damaged. Of course, part of me wants permission that it would be okay. I think there would also be some relief if it felt like others (you) understood.

For now though?

I am here. There must be reasons for me to stay. I suppose those reasons must be enough. For now. But what happens when those reasons run out of their usefulness?  What does that mean? What will happen then? So many days I wish I had already reached that point.

But for now, all I can do is push away the thoughts. Ignoring the urge when I see – or even think of – a rocky cliff.  Disregarding the hate that I feel for the pulsing pain in my body.

And then of course, having to deal with the all-consuming guilt for even thinking any of it to begin with

Maybe the difference isn’t quite that simple in the end.

3 thoughts on “it’s not that simple

  1. This is awfully sad to read. I can relate though, at least a little bit. I’ve never felt this way until the last week or so when the pain has got too much a couple of times and I genuinely believed in the moment I couldn’t survive it. I don’t know how you feel when the moments pass but I always feel much better and then can’t quite believe I was that low! Sometimes I read my writing and it’s hard to believe it was even me. Anyway, please keep fighting because you are worth it!!! Xx

    (P.s. I’ve had to make my blog private so if you want to send me a request I’ll approve)

    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Twink. I’m sorry you can relate. I’m also sorry that you need to make your blog private but I’ve sent a request to keep following. Take good care of yourself. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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