how does this happen?

I still find it amazing how things tend to shift so quickly. One minute I’ll be doing okay and then something is said or done that can completely throw me for a loop. That’s what happened yesterday and today I’m reeling from the effects of a night spent tossing and turning.

Yesterday started off well and I actually felt pretty good, which hasn’t happened in a really long time. While the conversation with T on Friday was hard and brought up a lot of not-so-very-nice feelings, I didn’t seem to be overly distraught about it all. The weather was less than desirable as some of that white stuff which I shall not mention by name was falling from the sky–ICK!!–but even that seemed okay.

I spent the morning laying around in bed. The boys were with dad, so that meant I was able to have a sleep in. Let me just emphasize that when you get to sleep until 8:30 as a parent it’s the best thing since sliced bread. That’s a whole 2 hours longer than normal (yes, my tiny one loves to wake up at 6:30 daily) and feels amazing. Then I had breakfast, wandered to the basement and put on a movie. A perfect way to start Sunday. I hadn’t expected the boys home until after supper, so I decided I would just take a little bit of time for myself because it’s something that I almost never get.

Well, things didn’t go quite as planned because just before 3, I got 2 text messages from the ex’s wife:

Hey, I’m going to be bringing the kids home shortly. M is grounded from hockey for a month and he is not going on the tournament according to L (dad) until he starts to respect people. He refused to do homework all weekend and started a screaming fight just to add to everything so L wants me to bring them home. 

L also said M’s not allowed back here for a month until he starts to respect everyone.

So these messages were on top of the message she sent to me last weekend. The boys were supposed to be with me, but dad had told them he would take them. I didn’t think they should go because they were both getting over pretty nasty colds, but M really wanted to go, so I checked to make sure it was still okay and my ex’s wife responded with this.

Whatever. He better not come here with attitude again as I’m NOT in the mood to deal with it and he is NOT sitting on the stupid game all weekend either! It’s hard cuz I know when I’m at work and they’re not out and about I’m sure L lets him more than he should. Also, I don’t want him scaring his sister…I don’t feel like being woken up all night when I’ve gotta go to work. If he wants to come and behave like he used to and spend time with family and his sisters like he used to, fine. C (sister) gets all hyped up and excited to see him then he sloughs her of. It’s really quite heartbreaking because he used to play with her before he got into that game! If he eats then one of us can come get him. C will be too excited and she won’t eat dinner if he is eating here. As soon as those boys leave the table so does she and they obviously can finish sooner than her.

Okay, so where do I start with all of this?

Firstly, I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to make sure the boys behave when they’re with dad. Dad needs to learn that parenting isn’t all about being cool and being BFF’s with his kids. It’s about routine and consistency and saying no once in awhile. He’s always given in to M and M knows it, so of course he’s going to push the buttons.

Secondly, if the ex’s new wife has a problem with how HER HUSBAND is parenting OUR CHILDREN, then she needs to talk to him about it. Been there, done that, and that’s one of the reasons we aren’t together anymore. I didn’t buy the Playstation for them and if they don’t want him on it, they need to make sure he doesn’t go on it!!

Thirdly, I don’t think it’s fair that the minute dad can’t handle the behaviour he sends them home to me with instructions on what I need to do to rectify the situation–including telling me how I need to punish them so that he doesn’t have to do it. I call bullshit!!

Now to the present disaster.

Am I wrong in thinking the punishment is a bit severe?

I get the whole take away hockey (M absolutely LOVES hockey). But for a whole month? Does that seem a little extreme or is it just me? I would think two weeks would be more than enough for M to realize dad means what he says. Honestly, hockey is not my thing and in some ways I would be more than happy if neither of the boys played it, but it’s the only thing dad does with them so I put it up with it for that reason only.

Then there’s the part about not seeing dad for a month. That, in my opinion should never be used as a form of punishment. The only person that would ever deny their children access to them is a complete asshole!! And on top of that, dad is telling M that he isn’t allowed to go trick-or-treating on Wednesday but that they’ll still pick up his brother and that his brother will still be able to go on weekends. Like what-in-the-royal f**k is wrong with that man?? M is utterly devastated. He thinks that dad doesn’t love him anymore and that he never wants to see him again. I know the feeling too well–of feeling unloved and unwanted–and I never, ever thought it would happen to my children. But here we are.

There are also some other things that went on which I can’t quite post about right now but basically M told me some bad things occurred. I know M can be quite the story teller but some of it can be corroborated by his brother, so I know parts of it happened definitely. I’m just not sure about the rest, but I’m having a really hard time believing he could make up the details.

I know that M can be really trying and frustrating to be around sometimes, but if a grown man cannot keep it together then maybe he shouldn’t be around them unless he is supervised. My biggest fear is that it’s going to escalate beyond what has already happened.

I just really need to talk to T about it all and Wednesday can’t come soon enough. I’m sort of at the point where if it ends up that T needs to report what happened, well so be it. I didn’t do anything to cause it and I always told myself that I’d never allow what happened to me, happen to my children. I will do anything I need to protect them even if it means keeping them away from their own father.

5 thoughts on “how does this happen?

  1. Wow! I thought what I had to deal with was testing. She sounds like a child tattle telling on her siblings. And you obviously had a clue about their dad or you would still be married. Glad you were able to get out of that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Eve! She’s a bit on the crazy side of things I do believe. I sort of get the feeling that they’re on some rocky ground and she’s starting to realize who he really is. Of course, rather than deal with him, she likes to take it out on me.

      Like

  2. Oh geesh! This is a lot to deal with. I imagine it would send anyone for a loop. You are exactly right: It isn’t your job to make the boys behave when they are with Dad— it’s Dad’s job. It also isn’t your job to be the go between for your ex and his wife, she most certainly should be talking to him, and the punishment should never be being sent back to you, or not getting to see Dad. I think you are spot on that the punishment is severe. I hope you were able to talk to T and sort things out, but from my perspective you definitely are not wrong about any of this. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

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