unwanted

My Auntie told me something. She told me a lot of things actually, but there’s one thing that’s stuck in my head at the moment.

Most of the time they didn’t really want you.
When you were around we had to make sure
that we kept you quiet

because you were always
too much for them.

She never spoke about my brother. Just me. Me, and the fact that my parents didn’t want me. Well, for the most part anyways.

How is a person supposed to feel about that? It’s one thing to think and feel that you weren’t wanted. But it’s completely different when someone says it out loud.

I didn’t repeat any of the things she said to anyone. Not until I could tell T. It took me almost the entire session, but I did. He says it’s a big hurt and that we will have to talk more about it. He does think that part of them loved me, but I don’t know. Sometimes I think he just says that so I don’t feel so bad.

It’s got me questioning everything.

If one’s own parents didn’t want them, how could a person ever feel like they truly belong?

6 thoughts on “unwanted

  1. oh i hear this xxx
    so i wasnt gonna go into a long winded story lol but always seem to when i come here … you’re right, it is different when it’s said out loud.
    years ago i found out my mother had made a suicide attempt, what was left out of that sad story was that she was pregnant with me. it left a gaping wound in me but it went a long way to explain a lot of things for me. we’ve since talked about it and she’s said she did want me but she was depressed. i get it. but its not cool.
    and as for the douche bag father … actions speak louder than words and a man that is absent isn’t a man, and isn’t a father.
    somewhere in amongst all that bullshit yah gotta find your own peace … you will, i know it … your amazingly strong! it’s their failure, not being able to love … that doesn’t make you unlovable … but i know that doesn’t take the shit feeling away.
    sorry to go on … but love and light to you as you process xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs I know all too well what it is to not be wanted…. i struggle daily with this. I don’t know what to say except I stand with you in this experience. You are not alone. How do we survive? I don’t know… just know someone else understands💕

    Liked by 1 person

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