are you mad at me?

There is nothing beautiful
about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty
about damage,
about pain,
about heartache.
-Nikita Gill

All weekend I carried the feeling that T was mad with me, but I refrained from reaching out and asking him.

On Friday, I ended up cancelling my session because I wasn’t feeling well at all. I’d sent him a message and he’d responded that if something changed I would still be very welcome at the usual time. I didn’t go but I also never did follow-up to say I definitely wasn’t going. I woke up Saturday and realized I didn’t clarify and in a panic sent a quick message to apologize. T is usually really good at responding but he still hadn’t answered me by this morning so I broke down and texted him:

Are you mad at me?

I immediately felt bad about bothering him. I always imagine him sighing as he reads my messages, feeling forced to respond once again to my extravagant imagination and neediness.

T did respond to me a few minutes after I messaged him. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t realize I would be waiting for a response from him. Ugggghh!

I feel like there is still so much to learn when it comes to T and me. One of the things that has always been an issue is when he doesn’t answer me. Every single time, without fail, I am driven to a state of panic feeling as though I’ve crossed some invisible line, imagining T is uber pissed at me and that we are going to be finished with therapy outright at our very next appointment. It never, ever happens but the feelings never change.

These feelings almost always lead to a cascade of other thoughts and memories mostly along the lines of how pathetic I am as a human being and how I need to just learn to get my shit together for once.

Driving to work this morning I got to thinking about things and whether the path that I’ve been travelling on is really worth it. I was wondering if maybe I should just give up now. If, after 3 and a half years, I still don’t get that something as minor as what happened on Friday is not going to change things between T and me, will I ever get it?

I don’t feel good at doing therapy. I’m not good at talking and sharing and explaining how I feel about things. I’m not good at anger or crying. I constantly feel like I am wasting everyone’s time with my sad little stories. T always says that he learns things from me and that I help him. I don’t understand how that would even be possible.

I’m good at silence. Keeping quiet, not rocking the boat, watching and waiting, cautious and patient. That’s me. It’s who I am. I don’t know how to do it differently. And because of it, maybe therapy isn’t right for me. Maybe I am the way I’m meant to be. Maybe I need to learn to be okay with that. But I don’t know if that’s what T is for. Is it his job to help me be okay with how I am now? I don’t know.

I can’t imagine my life without T. Thinking about it is hard. Writing about it brings a sort of sadness inside. Sadness because I don’t want him to be my person. I want my own person who I can go back to always. I know this isn’t a forever thing–T and me. One day he will go his way and I will have to go mine. I know that he won’t be there until the end of time. Even though I have that knowledge and understand that it will happen, it doesn’t make things feel better. It just makes it hurt.

I don’t get it and I simply want to. Even just a little part of it. I keep hoping that if I stick with it just a little while longer, one day things are going to start to fall into place and life won’t seem so overwhelming all the time.

But when is too long? When do you know it’s time to just give up?

11 thoughts on “are you mad at me?

  1. Sending love. When the time to finish therapy comes you won’t feel the need of T in the same way. Right now it’s hard because you need him. When things get better you won’t need him in the same way…… at least that’s what I am banking on otherwise a lot of us are completely screwed! 🙃

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  2. Eugh after I got your comment I came here and read this. God I feel you, my heart actually hurt for you because I can genuinely understand your pain.

    The therapeutic response to this is that after suffering trauma as children it will take them repeatedly meeting our needs and repeatedly not abandoning us for many years until we eventually believe it. I kind of get it logically but not enough and not emotionally. Like… I know logically that even if T was pissed off with my email, that wouldn’t mean she hates me or wants me to stop coming to her but my body feels some kind of anger at how I can cope just fine without her and some kind of anger at how I wish I hadn’t of been vulnerable because I knew she would be like everyone else… hmpth.

    One thing I do know though and want to say to you is that you are not doing it wrong. Not at all and you’re better at explaining your feelings than you think you are because I get it completely. At least you’re in touch with your feelings and not totally numb! That would show a lack of progress. From what I read here you are absolutely terrified of being abandoned (like me) and you’re probably a bit of a people pleaser like me and hyper vigilant to any mood changes or perceived signs of danger…. that’s because we had to be like that for our own safety. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • aw thanks Twink. It’s nice to know it’s not just me, although I am sorry you can relate. Is there another word for ‘absolutely terrified’ of being abandoned because that would be it for sure? xx

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  3. I guess you have to feel like some progress is being made to engage fully. I think it’s quite normal to become dependent on your therapist, I know when I reached the end of my time with mine I sobbed and was so scared to go it alone… what if the only reason I was feeling a little better was because I was seeing him each week? It’s a tough relationship to navigate, we all just do the best we can. Take care xx

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  4. I feel kinda the same way. After six years with Eileen, I still question things. Its hard. Im glad t answered you though and reassured you. Therapy is hard, no doubt about that. Eileen always says she learns from us too. How, I don’t know. lol. xo

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  5. Please don’t give up. Therapy is not a sport; it’s not something you can excel at or fail, it’s just something you immerse yourself in and study the effects of. Take a step back and observe, you might see that some things have already fallen into place, but so gradually you just didn’t notice at the time. I know this all sounds like crap, and I’d think it if someone said it to me, but change happens slowly and sometimes without your knowledge. Maybe you can talk with your therapist about your progress and how you’d like to move forward? See if he will share his perspectives on your healing with you. You might be good at silence, but how will that silence serve you in therapy? It’s okay to be needy. It’s okay to need him.

    Sending you so much love and massive hugs. Your critic is in overdrive right now and I hope you can some relief soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the comment–doesn’t sound like crap at all.
      We’re talking–T and me. We’re working on a plan. He says that he’s there and that I have nothing to worry about because it’s going to be okay and we’ll figure it out–together.
      I have to trust him and have a little bit of faith that what he says is true. Otherwise it feels like there’s no point in any of it.
      xx

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  6. It doesn’t matter. Anytime, long or short, is the right time for you. And thats all that matters. You’re important and everything you’ve done and are doing is just fine. It’s got to be done!! Apparently its all part of the process 😉
    Love and light to you xo

    Liked by 1 person

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