It is suppose to hurt,
my child.
That is why there is water
in your eyes and
blood in your veins.

If we knew no pain,
we wouldn’t have known truth,
and truth, my child,
is the soul
of the universe.
– Christopher Poindexter

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with is when you start to realize that there are some things you just can’t change:

– my mother or the the things that she did and the way she is or the things she says or that sometimes it’s really hard to love her

– my father and the fact that his family will never, ever accept that anything was wrong with them or their sibling and all of the children

– the things that happened with my ex or how he acts

– my childhood or the memories or the nightmares and the fact that there are some things I just might never remember or be able to make sense of

– that I have an autoimmune disease and that while it might get better at times, it will never, ever go away

I try to share my story but I’ve never been a good communicator. At least not through talking. It’s easier for me to put my thoughts on paper. But no matter what I write about, I can never quite say how I feel about it.

Because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it.

That’s the hardest thing for me. In everything I say. Everything I do. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about any of it.

I know that there isn’t any wiggle-room to deal with it all. There is no more space for anything. Yet, in some comforting, but unexplainable way, I think I’ve reached a sort of calm acceptance. At least right now. At least for today.

It’s like I am in the centre of the hurricane. The place where the skies are clear above and the winds are relatively light. The calmest section of the storm. The part where the strong surface winds that converge towards the center never reach.

I’m starting to wonder whether maybe it’s easier to just let my mind take me where it wants to go rather than fighting to keep my feet planted where I think they need to be. Maybe if I learn to do that, life won’t feel so hard all the time.

4 thoughts on “learning

  1. I know this is easy for me to say.. but honestly, stop worrying about how you are “meant” to feel and just let yourself feel!! It took me years in therapy to get to that stage, so it is by no means an easy task, but my T said to me, over and over and over again “feeling aren’t logical, they are messy but they are not right or wrong – they just ARE” and that gave me the permission and freedom I clearly needed to start feeling. So if it helps you at all, you have my permission to feel whatever you feel and not feel you need to edit that in any way. Now you just need to see if you can give yourself the permission.

    Sometimes thinking of yourself as the child you and the adult you can help with this. Write how the child felt – you are unlikely to berate a child, right? Write as if the child you is writing to you and reply to her with compassion. Have you got any photos of yourself when you were young? sometimes looking at one can help you to see the innocence. It helped me – though it is sad.

    The first time I did this I wrote a letter TO my child self, it was immensely sad but healing. I cried and cried as I typed it out and then I sent it to my T who made me read it aloud to her. There are options.

    You may feel vulnerable because you are posting online and people therefore have the ability to comment and not all comments can be helpful…. so perhaps it might help to start in a diary/journal or in a notebook? Nobody can read it then, it is private.. or if you prefer blogging, which I do, turn the option to comment off?! Just ideas, please don’t feel you should and shouldn’t feel what you do – FEELINGS AREN’T LOGICAL!!

    Much love, support and encouragement from me to you xx


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