332 e-mails, cancelled therapy session and Wednesday officially sucks

And
all of a sudden I felt
really tired.
Like the world had drained me
for everything that
I had.
-(bgt)

Today does not feel like a good day. No, not at all.

I am now back to work after almost three weeks off. I tried to keep myself busy yesterday but I was still dreading coming back. I’ve been here for just over two and a half hours, haven’t spoken to a single person and don’t really want to either. I am trying, but failing, to get through the 332 e-mails in my inbox. It’s insanity at best.

I also cancelled my appointment with T today. Why? I’m just not feeling well to be honest, and I don’t want to sit on T’s couch, staring at his socks (although he has very lovely socks) and struggle to hold even a simple conversation. It’s a total waste of T’s time that could be spent helping someone who can actually communicate what is happening with themselves.

T and I did e-mail a little bit yesterday and we are aiming to meet on Friday as long as I am feeling up to it. I did ask him if he would write me a note if I decide to take some time off of work and he said he would, but that if it’s for medical reasons it might be better to get my doctor to do it (because the note from my doctor would carry more weight and also to protect my confidentiality) but if it’s for non-medical reasons he would totally write one for me. At this point I’m not even sure what the reason is–I just feel like total crap–and don’t really care if my boss knows that I see a psychologist or not.

I have never felt this level of tired before. I’m ready for bed before I’m even fully awake in the mornings. It even feels too exhausting to put any thought into this posting, so I’m not going to say much of anything else.

It all feels like enough already.

5 thoughts on “332 e-mails, cancelled therapy session and Wednesday officially sucks

  1. Hugs. I’ve been off work to deal with a family situation. There’s still a lot of stigma around mental health leave, sadly. Heck, there was stigma around my taking off to deal with a family situation without mentioning the toll it was taking on my own health from the trauma of it. I know my bully-of-a-boss would use mental health leave against me. I’ve heard him make super disparaging comments about mental health just casually. Some workplaces are better, but given how precarious our finances can be with any diagnoses, think carefully about how receptive your own management has seemed in the past. Your T might have a point, and much as I hate allowing ahole bosses to perpetuate stigma, I wouldn’t want you to jeopardize your financial security during a rough patch. Safety first. If that means doctor’s note over psychologist’s note, then don’t feel guilty for keeping yourself safer with it.

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  2. I’m sorry it feels so hard right now. I agree with the above comment – get a doctor’s note if it means protecting yourself. It’s rotten that organisations can be so mental health unfriendly but it is how it is and as much as part of you might want to just fuck it all perhaps be cautious in this instance. It sounds like you’re really struggling. What’s stopping you going and getting signed off? I hope you get to talk to T as planned x

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  3. I think it’s worthwhile to know when you can’t be productive in therapy, so it’s good that you’ve chosen to wait until your mind is in a more receptive place. I know the stress of work can be so overwhelming, so do whatever you have to do to get through it. Take breaks during the day however you can just to breath and feel centered. You’ve got this xx

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  4. I call this being existentially tired. It’s the kind of soul tired that doesn’t really have a good explanation and that cant be fixed by getting more rest or sleep. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things though, listening to your body/self. I hope it passes soon enough.

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  5. breathe! deep clensing breaths. I think you did the right thing in canceling therapy. It sounds like you weren’t in a space to do the work. That’s ok too. I hope you can get some time off of work. Sounds like it would do you good. xxx

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