feeling blah

And there are some
that were forged
to weather blizzards
and pain with you.

They were cast in iron,
set in gold
and never ever leave you
to face anything alone.
-Nikita Gill

I feel like I should say something. What, I have no idea, just something. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’m not sure why. I suppose I just haven’t felt much like sharing anything. A lot has been going on but I’ve been spending most of my time in silence. In some ways it feels like a sort of self-preservation to be honest. For the most part I guess I’ve just felt too tired to even try to let out what’s been happening and how I’ve been feeling about everything.

Today, even though I wanted to sleep my day away, I dragged myself out of bed and started stripping my grandmother’s old china hutch. She didn’t have a lot of things, but it was one thing that she did have. It sat in my basement since she died 20 years ago. I didn’t really like the way it looked, but I didn’t want to get rid of it either. I’m not much into china or other knickknacks, so I sold the upper part of it in a garage sale and I’m going to use the bottom part as a piece of furniture in my living room. I love the look of the bottom but hate the colour (too much red) so I’m hoping all this work is going to soften it up. All day today I worked at it and it was a good distraction from thinking too much. I had my 80’s music and the sanding, in some strange way, was cathartic. My shoulders and other joints told me to quit early because they were aching, but I continued on. I loved the way the stripper ate away the old layers of stain and showed the original wood below. I’m going to get it right down to the bare bones, expose all the knots and dents and cracks and then maybe stain it a nice shade of grey, get new handles and it’ll be new–but old at the same time.

The hutch will be the second piece I’ve done (the first was a desk for my son) and I absolutely love working with old pieces of furniture. It’s not too expensive to do it yourself, but it takes patience and time, especially if there are a lot of details in the wood. After I was done for the day, I took a walk through the house looking at different pieces of furniture and trying to decide if there was anything else I could work on before winter comes (my garage isn’t heated) but decided against it because I want to paint my kitchen and change the cupboards a little bit before Christmas. The good thing is this project will take me at least another week and helps to keep my mind occupied.

Last week, even though I wasn’t feeling the best I took the boys camping. It was nice for the most part. My brother and his family had another site so I didn’t really see much of him and his wife. She got into one of her moods but I just ignored them and let them figure it out for themselves. I did get to spend time with my nephews so a lot of the time it was me and the four boys–we hiked, gathered stones, made s’mores and went swimming in the waves. It’s always good for me to be near Superior and I was able to take pictures of things we did (some below).

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Even though I tried my best to make it fun for the boys, I’ve found this summer a little too long if I’m being honest. Lots of breaks, super hot and muggy weather, feeling under the weather, visits from family and lots of new information.

I’m glad it’s September.

The boys are back to school on Tuesday and I am back to work on Wednesday. I’ll have been off for just under three weeks, but it’s felt much longer. I’m not looking forward to going back at all. I do miss a couple of my co-workers but otherwise nothing will have been done for me while I was away (the joys of being the only person in the organization who does the job) so I’m sure I’ll be even further behind than when I left. I’m still not feeling the best, so that just adds to it all. I’m going to see how it goes when I am back, but I’m seriously considering taking some time off. I very rarely take sick leave but it just might be time to cash some in. I have almost 18 weeks available, so I’m thinking of maybe taking a month off–not too much time, but hopefully enough to get rested and to start feeling better. I might ask T if he’ll write me a sick note, but if he can’t I’ll get my doctor to do it.

Speaking of my doctor, I went to see him last week. I honestly had zero expectations of him being helpful at all, but he was much nicer than he has been the last couple of times I’ve seen him. I explained what was happening and he looked in my chart and saw the bloodwork results I had from a couple of months ago (he had seen them before but brushed them off). This time, he actually seemed concerned. He said that it’s something autoimmune but he doesn’t know what and that it’s good that I’m seeing the specialist soon. He told me I have low B12 as well and should be taking something for it. He also said I can take up to 2400mg of ibuprofen a day for the pain as well as acetaminophen but if I take the ibuprofen at that dose for more than two weeks, I’ll have to go back to see him because it will hurt my stomach. He told me about the new Advil 600mg dose (he said I could take 2 of them twice a day), so I got some of those and am trying my best to not take the maximum amount because I really don’t want to take extra pills. He also told me to come back to see him about a week after I saw the specialist and we can figure out what to do about things. At least I got the feeling that he actually sort of cared and it’s just a few weeks till I see the specialist. What I really hope is that by the end of September I know what’s going on and can get some relief.

Wednesday, I also get to see T again. It’s hard to explain how I feel about it. I texted him twice over the last two weeks, but even that felt too bothersome and didn’t do much of anything to curb the sense of disconnection. Sometimes, when things feel too hard, I forget. I forget, and then everything disconnects and T feels like a stranger. And when T feels like a stranger, it feels like he won’t be there anymore. I don’t know where he’d be, but I can’t picture him anywhere at all and part of me thinks he won’t even be there on Wednesday. Something inside feels broken. Something inside is missing. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. The unusual thing is that I don’t even feel upset by it all. Maybe I’m just getting better at hiding in my own little world to escape the feelings I have when T is away. Or maybe I’m just too tired to care.

7 thoughts on “feeling blah

  1. Sending you so much love. Reading this I got a real sense of heaviness. I’m pleased your doctor felt more caring this time. And then end part – yep- all of that. I hear you. T will be there, though, even if it’s hard to believe it or feel like he exists right now. I feel like that today. I have therapy tomorrow but after 5 weeks I feel like there’s no relationship. Man! Take care hun, oh, and it sounds like a bit of time off to rest and self care would be a really good idea. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you wrote and updated us even if you weren’t much feeling like that; I understand, as I go back and forth between having a ton to share and nothing at all. The process of sanding sounds really meditative, like it was good for you to just work and focus on that. Maybe projects like this will be something you can do when you take your time off – sounds like you’ll need it with the craziness of work! The pictures you shared are lovely. I hope you’ll be feeling a little lighter and energized very soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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