…remember one thing only: that it’s you-nobody else-who determines your destiny and decides your fate.
– e.e. cummings
As of today, another summer break is upon me. I sort of feel like it’s more my vacation than T’s to be honest. We talked about time off earlier in the summer and it worked out so that he ended up taking 3 weeks of his vacation at the same time as me. What all of this means is no T for the next 18 days. I guess there is some consolation with it being the last of the summer breaks, but it still feels like something is missing. Sometimes I find it easier when T is still working even if I am away. That way, if I feel like I need him, I can call or text or e-mail. I can do the same almost every time he is away, but I just end up feeling like I’m bothering him. I usually just end up hiding in my own little world until he comes back.
I guess this break feels a bit harder because I just don’t feel like I’ve had enough time to go through everything with T since the last break and it feels like a lot has been happening in a short period of time.
On top of everything else, I cancelled Wednesday because I just wasn’t feeling well and yesterday, even though I still wasn’t feeling much better, I went. I think a lot of it had to do with just wanting to see T before the break but I pretty much just sat there trying to block the physical discomfort, not talking much and feeling like I’d rather just lay down on his couch and take a nap. T told me he wouldn’t ask too many questions or say too much and we could just sit together for awhile. Sometimes, just being able to sit in silence with T is all I need but I really didn’t want to waste the time because I knew it was our last meeting for awhile. Unfortunately I couldn’t really focus my thoughts long enough to string together many words and basically feel like I accomplished absolutely nothing. At one point T felt really far away and I could feel myself wanting to leave where I was.
How will I know that T is still there? the little voice inside of me suddenly whispered.
Will you be gone too? I inquired.
I will be close to you and you will be close to me, was his response.
I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t, so I just sat there and stared at the little box of tissues on his table. That was pretty much the only thing we said to each other. He kept asking how I was feeling and I couldn’t say anything other than ‘okay‘. I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me and I definitely wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t talk about it. Everything else felt too far out of reach as well, so we didn’t talk about those things either. About 10 minutes before it was the end of the session I asked if I could go. T just sighed and wanted to know what he could do to help make me feel better but there really wasn’t anything–unless he could be like Mr. Miyagi and clap his hands together and make the pain go away–so I just said ‘no‘.
I totally wasted his time. I apologized and T said it was okay, but I should’ve just not gone.
I feel old today. I feel like those little ole ladies that complain about their ‘rheumatism’. I want to know what’s going on, but in some ways I’m a little afraid it isn’t something that can be easily fixed. I see my doctor on Tuesday. I’m not very good at explaining things, so I’ve written it all down and hopefully he’ll believe me and will do something to help (unlike the last few times I’ve seen him). A part of me feels like it’s a waste of time to see him and feel like he’s just going to tell me he can’t do anything and I’m going to have to wait until mid-September to see the specialist.
I think I’m kind of over summer now. It’s been way too hot and way too long. There’s also been too many changes to my routine (inside and outside of therapy). There were the visits from my aunts and the information overload about my mother’s family; there was the visit to Toronto and spending time with my brother’s family; there is the pending camping trip next week (where my brother and his family will also be); there is this latest bout of whatever the hell is happening with my joints and muscles and then of course, there were the three breaks from T. It’s a lot–too much really–and I’m done with it all.
Changes are hard. They’re even harder when you can’t connect to the one person who seems to understand what’s happening. I don’t think these 18 days can go fast enough. I’m trying to keep myself busy, but we’ll see what happens.