it’s complicated

I felt limp and betrayed, like the skin shed by a terrible animal. It was a relief to be free of the animal, but it seemed to have taken my spirit with it, and everything else it could lay its paws on.
-Sylvia Plath

I was finally able to tell T what’s been going on with the news about my mother’s family. After what felt like a disaster of a session on Wednesday and feeling completely detached from T and life on Thursday, as well as a missed e-mail and me thinking T was mad at me, I worked up the courage to read to him my blog posts on Friday.

T says it’s complicated. I think he meant people generally and my family relationships specifically.

I’m glad we talked a little about it but I’m still not feeling as though I have even a fingertip grip on what it all means and what to do about it. I’m still wading my way through it all and I’ve had to push it out of mind more often than not because I just get overwhelmed with it. The nightmares of my childhood have intensified, so although I’m completely exhausted, I’m definitely not sleeping enough.

To top it all off I am literally feeling like I’ve been run over by a very large truck. The Friday before last, I cancelled my appointment with T because I had a very important beach date with two very important little people. 🙂 Having blue eyes, reddish-brown hair and tons of freckles makes me very wary of the sun–I wear daily moisturizer with SPF 30, sunscreen whenever I’m at the beach (SPF 60), sit under an umbrella, avoid tanktops and always wear a t-shirt over my swimsuit–but I still somehow burned myself (a smallish area around my collarbone and shoulders, but bad enough that it blistered). I’m not new to sunburns–I got a lot of them growing up–but it’s been years since I’ve had a bad one and I had completely forgotten the agony of it.

As if the sunburn wasn’t bad enough, ever since I’ve gotten it, every single joint and muscle in my body–from the top of my head to the tips of my toes–has been aching constantly. I’m hoping it is not related to the possibility of having an autoimmune disorder (Lupus or MCTD) but the pain after sun exposure can apparently be a symptom.

It’s interfering with everything. I feel completely exhausted, it hurts to climb or go down stairs, it hurts to lift my arms for long periods of time (including washing my hair), it’s hard to play baseball and sitting at work is awful. What makes it all worse is that I don’t feel like I could take time off work right now either because I have holidays starting at the end of this week. I may just have to suck it up and work my way through it. Most days, I just want to lay in my bed and cry. Nothing that I do seems to be helping to alleviate the pain–not Advil, not Tylenol and Advil taken together, not warm baths and not sitting still or napping. It’s constant and very uncomfortable.

I am taking the boys camping a week from tomorrow, so I hope it starts to subside beforehand. I’m being completely stubborn but I won’t go see my GP regardless of how much it hurts. To be honest, I’m still pissed at him over the way he’s treated me the last few times I saw him and I don’t even feel confident that he would believe me or do anything about it anyways. I have an appointment with the internist/rheumatologist on September 19th, so it’s not too much longer to wait to hopefully get some sort of answer as to what’s going on.

I’m thinking I might just cancel my Wednesday session with T (the thought of having to climb his stairs and sit still for an hour feels impossible right now) and then I’ll just meet with him on Friday to make sure I see him before the start of our next two week break (ugggh!).

I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow, but if I don’t feel any better, I’ll send him a message. I know it won’t help not seeing him, but I’m not sure I can focus long enough to accomplish anything anyways. I’d rather not go, than sit there uncomfortable, feeling like I’m wasting time. :/

5 thoughts on “it’s complicated

  1. As you know, I get very bad full body pain and muscle tightness quite often, sometimes my muscles are so tight I feel bruised all over. And it comes out of nowhere. Last weekend I did a 40m yoga nidra practice (guided, there are loads on YouTube but search for Liam Gillen yoga nidra as the combination of practices in his seems to release pain well too) when the pain was really bad and i was sore and tight everywhere and it hurt to sit/stand/move/stay still, and it actually eased it which totally surprised me as I did it thinking over time it might help, not expecting instant relief. I realise your pain might have a different cause, but wanted to share this in case it is any help at all. I’ve done yoga nidra before but after this happened am now doing it daily!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey C! Thanks for the info.
      I have never in my life done yoga, but I’ll look into it for sure. I am terrible at taking medications. so anything that could prevent doing that would be beneficial. Hopefully it’s easy to follow and I don’t end up tangling myself into a pretzel. :/

      Liked by 1 person

      • You stay still!! It’s a guided meditation. It means yoga sleep – yoga means unification and nidra means sleep. It basically puts your body into a state of total relaxation and your mind stays aware. So it is refreshing and rejuvenating but you just lie still and follow the guidance. If, like me, your sleep is pretty non-restorative it can work wonders – an hour of yoga nidra is thought to equate to 4 hours of proper sleep!

        Liked by 1 person

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