too much ocean

I thought I was finally doing okay with T being away. Not great, but okay. It was way too hot for a freckly face so I pulled the boys out of school on Friday and we spent the day at the beach. Saturday, I was outside all day doing yard work (hard work always changes my mood). Somewhere between Saturday night and yesterday morning something changed and I woke up with a sick, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’d reached the stage where it felt too long. It had been too many days. 5 days was all it took. It’s pathetic that I can only last 5 days before I start to crumble and feel lost and abandoned.

T and I have fallen into a routine where he tells me, roughly, (Italy, cruise, province, cottage) where he goes, and that reassures me for the first little bit. I like being able to picture him on a map (that’s totally weird, I know) and “know” where he is. Beyond that, we don’t really talk about what he does or with whom and details like that. This time, I only know he is on a cruise, but I didn’t ask and he didn’t volunteer so I’m not sure where he is (maybe it’s Alaska, or the Mediterranean or the Caribbean) and I can’t picture him anywhere.

I can’t find him and there just too much ocean in the world.

MI Wereldkaart Antiek

This time, everything is different. I can’t reach out to him, because he can’t answer. If I can’t reach out, I don’t know he’s still there. I don’t sense him. I can’t hear his voice and it’s hard to remember what he looks like. I should have taken the little stuffed dog in his office, but I was too upset to ask for it again. I feel a little abandoned. Rejected. Unloved. Mostly, I feel scared. I just can’t convince myself that he’s coming back and hasn’t left forever.

I’ve been thinking about the other therapist T suggested to me. I don’t know what to do about it. He must trust her and think a lot of her, if he asked her if she would speak with me. I don’t know what he said, to get her to agree to meet with me, considering he told me she normally says no almost all the time. All he told me is that she is open to meeting with me in his absence if I wish.

But he didn’t go over the rules…….

Am I only supposed to contact her if certain conditions are met? How bad should things be before I can call her? Should I just call my EAP and talk to someone on the phone if things aren’t totally out of control? What would I even say to either of them?

I’m having a hard time functioning because my T went on vacation

It sounds so fucking ridiculous! I feel like they would look at me like some crazy fucking client who isn’t adult enough to function without their therapist. I’m ashamed enough of how it feels that I don’t want to feel any worse about it.

I feel like I have to keep everything in until he returns. I feel like it’s not even that long really, and I should be able to keep my shit together while he is away. I should be able to make it through two weeks without having to fall backwards into my negative coping mechanisms. I shouldn’t have to cut or burn myself because I can’t cope with feeling abandoned. I’d like to go get another tattoo. It’s one of my top coping mechanisms. But it hasn’t been long enough since my last one and even my tattoo artist is away on vacation (for those of you with tattoos, you get that you can’t just go to anyone). FUUUUUUUUCK!!!

I’ll have to think a little more about it all. I just don’t know what to do right now. Wait and see or nip it in the bud before I start to feel worse.

Have any of you ever spoken to another therapist or someone else when your primary therapist was unavailable? Were you in crisis or not? What did you tell them? Did it help, or did it just make everything worse?

7 thoughts on “too much ocean

  1. I think it’s totally reasonable to reach out to the other therapist or your EAP. If it feels weird to talk about your feelings about T being away, you could try keeping it more focused on practical issues of using healthier coping mechanisms rather than falling back on destructive ones.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Ashley. I don’t know why it feels so wrong to think about reaching out to someone else. I definitely would like to avoid talking about T so your suggestion is super helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have never done it but I think it’s completely okay to reach out and talk to the other therapist without it having to be a crisis. The likelihood is they will know you are struggling because your therapist is away.. A good therapist will never find that weird! Maybe you could try it and if it doesn’t help you don’t have to talk to them again.. Then at least you know for the future if it’s helpful or not?

    Liked by 1 person

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