Hello my lovelies. It’s been awhile.
I’ve been trying to keep up with reading other blogs and commenting where possible, but I haven’t been doing such a good job of it. I’ve actually written responses to others’ postings but have just ended up erasing them. I’ve also tried to do some of my own writing without much success (here on my blog and elsewhere). I actually took down my last posting because I felt like I was being a drama queen.
To top everything off, I’ve been cancelling Wednesday sessions with T because I just don’t feel much like talking. He’s being really good about it, letting me know I can be in touch whenever I want, but I’m sure he’d rather I just talk with him. The last time I saw him, I told him that if things go bad I might not go to therapy anymore. He didn’t understand why that would happen so I told him it wouldn’t be fair to put it all on another person. I’m not too sure how he felt about that.
In a nutshell, I suppose it would be safe to say that over the past two weeks I’ve been working on perfecting my avoidance coping strategies. For the most part I’ve been keeping it together. Today though, things feel a bit too unsettled.
Over the past two weeks, I’ve had biopsies, blood work and a couple of urinalysis tests. Right now, from the information that I have, things are pointing towards a few possibilities–Lupus (including kidney involvement), Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD) or possibly breast cancer (Paget’s).
I keep telling myself that the blood tests are all false positives, my doctor is re-testing things because he’s being overly cautious (or freaking out because he fucked up ) and that everything is going to be completely fine. Without the biopsy results–which by the way take way too long to get–I figure no confirmation is good confirmation.
Cue the internal dialogue and I’ve come to a conclusion: Lupus is way better to have than cancer and MCTD is pretty rare so there’s no way I have that. I can live with Lupus, if that’s what it is. No big deal, right?
Time is ticking, and by this time tomorrow all of the waiting and anxiety will be gone and I can go back to working on more important things.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself…….