it’s been awhile


Michael Prosper

Hello my lovelies. It’s been awhile.

I’ve been trying to keep up with reading other blogs and commenting where possible, but I haven’t been doing such a good job of it. I’ve actually written responses to others’ postings but have just ended up erasing them. I’ve also tried to do some of my own writing without much success (here on my blog and elsewhere). I actually took down my last posting because I felt like I was being a drama queen.

To top everything off, I’ve been cancelling Wednesday sessions with T because I just don’t feel much like talking. He’s being really good about it, letting me know I can be in touch whenever I want, but I’m sure he’d rather I just talk with him. The last time I saw him, I told him that if things go bad I might not go to therapy anymore. He didn’t understand why that would happen so I told him it wouldn’t be fair to put it all on another person. I’m not too sure how he felt about that.

In a nutshell, I suppose it would be safe to say that over the past two weeks I’ve been working on perfecting my avoidance coping strategies. For the most part I’ve been keeping it together. Today though, things feel a bit too unsettled.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve had biopsies, blood work and a couple of urinalysis tests. Right now, from the information that I have, things are pointing towards a few possibilities–Lupus (including kidney involvement), Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD) or possibly breast cancer (Paget’s).

I keep telling myself that the blood tests are all false positives, my doctor is re-testing things because he’s being overly cautious (or freaking out because he fucked up :/ ) and that everything is going to be completely fine. Without the biopsy results–which by the way take way too long to get–I figure no confirmation is good confirmation.

Cue the internal dialogue and I’ve come to a conclusion: Lupus is way better to have than cancer and MCTD is pretty rare so there’s no way I have that. I can live with Lupus, if that’s what it is. No big deal, right?

Time is ticking, and by this time tomorrow all of the waiting and anxiety will be gone and I can go back to working on more important things.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself…….

7 thoughts on “it’s been awhile

  1. I’m glad you’ve posted – have been thinking of you and hoping you were doing okay. Your last post wasn’t dramatic at all – it’s completely understandable to be concerned.

    I’m really glad the waiting will be over tomorrow and am keeping everything crossed for you x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear dear Kerry: But this is what this gang of bloggers and commenters and True Friends is All About!! NO ONE here thinks you are a Drama Queen. REALLY! ABSOLUTELY!! Each of us lives and has always lived an excruciating life. Each of us is Hugely Thrilled to find Comrades-in-Arms who Understand us – who Support us – and are glad to get Our Support whenever. So please know we are thinking of you and absolutely want to hear from you, even when what you need to say is a million miles of Grumbles. Here we are. Love TS


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