slamming on the brakes


Ivan Aivazovsky

I don’t want this life. It’s hard and shitty. It’s completely unfair on so many levels.

That was the text I sent to T after our meeting yesterday. He wrote me back wanting to know if it was specific or only in some situations. He asked me to message him more about it whenever I could.

I haven’t written back yet because I don’t know what to say.

It is a strange thing for me, being unable to write to T about how I feel. Writing has always been our gateway to communicating. It has always felt safe to share words on paper with him. But at the moment, it’s just too hard. I feel like I’m getting further away from him and in doing so I’m getting further away from me as well.

If I lose T right now, it will feel like I have lost everything.

I am lost within myself.

Most days, it feels like my world has been turned upside down and inside out. It’s hard to just feel ‘okay‘ with who I am and what I’ve become. The thoughts are always there—some days right in front of me while other days a little further away.

I used to wish more than anything that the feelings would disappear. Lately though, when I think about ending my life, I almost begin to feel a little better and things don’t seem to feel quite so heavy anymore.

There is much relief in the thoughts of dying. My mind drifts to the future that will cease to matter and the anger, anxiety and fear of the past, which will simply fade away.

These last few weeks, I have convinced myself that everyone I love would be free of me and the disappointment and pain that I bring into their lives. It’s not fair to them, to live with me the way I am. What kind of mother would even consider agreeing to send their child to live elsewhere? If I can’t positively impact them now, how will I ever accept the way my children will undoubtedly feel about me in the future?

Life feels like it’s all too much, and I feel like a fraud. I feel like I have failed everyone who has come into my life. Some days it’s like I’m suffocating, over and over and over again. Those are the days it would be so much easier to end things, and everyone could finally be okay without me.

If I jump now, who will catch me?

8 thoughts on “slamming on the brakes

  1. There is no one right way to be a mother. You just need to do what you can to support your kids in the best way you can. They still need you. And I suspect many others value you too, although the darkness can make it very hard to see sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

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