Easter is coming soon. That means I’m going to be out of the office Good Friday. We can always reschedule to a different day if you want to. I’ll let you think about it and you can let me know what you want to do. We’ll still meet the Wednesday before though.
I could already start to feel the underlying terror of being abandoned the longer T talked about it. There’s just too much going on in my life for a long weekend to be happening. Does he not understand how much I need him right now? Does he not care? Why would he go and leave me when it feels like everything around me is falling apart? But I said nothing because it won’t change the fact that Easter weekend is coming.
Some day, time will mean nothing other than what it is, just time.
In his defense, T has always said I can contact him whenever I want and no matter what was going on with him he would find a way to get back to me–maybe not right away–but definitely he would.
But the coming long weekend is Easter. A holiday weekend that he once mentioned was one of his favourites. How can I go and bother him during that time? I don’t want to be remembered as the person who ruined one of his favourite holidays!
I haven’t really been calling, e-mailing or texting him the last couple of weeks anyways. The truth is, I just haven’t been able to put much out there. Even my writing–my go-to during the hardest times–is lagging behind. A part of me wonders if maybe he’s happy with not having to deal with me in between sessions.
I think there is also a part of me doesn’t feel like it would make any difference if I were to contact him. It often leaves me feeling like I’m just too much and am simply giving him more reason to become overwhelmed by my incessant neediness that he’ll finally give up on me.
If I can’t see him right in front of me how much comfort would contacting him outside of session give me anyways? 5 seconds? 5 minutes? 5 hours? God forbid, 5 days. No matter how hard I try I cannot find a way to keep the safe feeling of T close and hold on to the big overwhelming feelings when we aren’t together.
I’ve still been going to my sessions but even T has pointed out that I seem really far away most of the time. Last Wednesday was pretty awful. Friday felt even worse but at least I was able to write some things on paper.
“He had a father. I had a father. You had a father.”
They shouldn’t talk about things they know nothing about. I don’t give a shit about what they think they know or who they’ve talked to. They don’t know anything about me.
I have me under control.
T wanted me to read what I had written out loud and I asked him why. He said it would help get the inside feelings to the outside and would help me feel better. I just shook my head no.
Who are ‘they’? T asked.
Nobody, was my reply.
He asked me to try to write some things on the weekend. He hoped it would help a little bit to make the time between sessions a little more bearable. I tried, but it doesn’t make much sense when I go back and read through it all. It’s not sentences or paragraphs but just random thoughts, words and scribbles written down on scraps of paper.
I pulled out my old journals because I thought maybe something in them would help me figure out what’s been going on and where these feelings are coming from. I found an entry from a couple of years back that struck a deep chord. It was a letter I wrote to T but never showed him. The feelings were the exact same as they are today. It feels like by now it should be different and I should feel differently, but it’s not and I don’t.
When you kept mentioning Good Friday and the fact that you would be away I wasn’t sure if I was okay with it. Up until that point things had felt okay to me. I don’t want to come across as a needy person. I don’t want to feel like if we miss one day it’s anything other than what it is–a holiday. It wasn’t as if you said you would never see me again. It wasn’t as if you were being mean. But for some reason I started to panic, almost like I’d told you all these things and you were just going to leave. And I was thinking that maybe you weren’t going to come back. I didn’t know what I was going to do because I just can’t start at the beginning again. And all I had to say was four words ‘I don’t like it’ and you would have tried to help me understand. But I didn’t say a word. I didn’t tell you any of these things and I don’t know why.
T always says we just need to try our best to understand these feelings in order to feel better about ourselves and our circumstances. I just feel angry when I think about any of it.
What do I need to understand? Do I need to understand that apparently people who were supposed to take care of me dropped the fucking ball? Do I need to understand that my parents either weren’t there or if they were–I can’t tell you because I don’t remember–were too busy trying to keep their own lives together that they didn’t notice anything that was happening? Do I need to understand that I don’t feel like I’m worth it because they said so? What about trusting people or depending on people? What about my ex? Is he something I need to understand?
What I understand? People leave you, don’t give a fuck about you or die. That’s what I know. Those are the things that I understand.