the world is not one small child

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Color Coded Art

I feel

tired…

uncomfortable…

trapped.

The bird within flutters, planning its escape the minute the cage door opens.

I want to jump off the cliff.

I don’t believe in ghosts. I don’t believe in ghosts.

Closing your eyes won’t make any of it disappear. You can’t wish the nightmare away. The past and the present are folding together and the pieces to unravel it all are buried within.

Where were they when you were just a small child and armed against the dark? Today is not then, but the ways to cope remain the same. Disappearing within yourself for days at a time because your body and brain teeter on the verge of implosion.

It’s not as difficult as you might think, making yourself go away. After one or two times of having your soul broken, you begin to feel quite numb. It’s all about saving yourself, of course, not anyone else…which in the end makes you the monster. Others at least would save the world. But the world is not one one small child held down against their will in the middle of a family who sees nothing, even though it seems that way, there in the dark to which you become so well armed.

You can’t heal, not fully anyways, because you won’t let anyone forgive you for letting it happen. They very much want to, you see. In fact, they very much want you to believe that nothing was your fault. But when you can’t forgive yourself, until you do, no one… no one’s allowed to either.

The blame is carried with you and cascades into present day problems. The weight of the world is upon your shoulders and if you would let go then maybe, just maybe, life wouldn’t feel like it’s about to pull you under.

3 thoughts on “the world is not one small child

  1. You aren’t the monster, even though I know it feels that way. Forgiving yourself isn’t easy, and accepting forgiveness for things we feel such responsibility for isn’t easy to do, either. Sometimes it feels impossible. I wish I had some magic potion recipe to make this easier, but unfortunately I think this is one of those things where the way out is by going through this journey. Hugs. 💟

    Liked by 1 person

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