not being okay

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Shawna Erback

I have a hard time giving myself permission to not be okay.  Most days, I feel like I need to own everything that happened and is currently happening in my life. I even own the shit that doesn’t belong to me.

When someone asks me how I am my answer is always, ‘okay‘. It’s easier to say you’re okay when you’re not. There aren’t any explanations and others don’t have to be burdened with your hurts. No more questions, no more answers.

But right now, right this very minute, I’m not okay.

You can’t tell just by looking at me. I tell people I’m tired, but I’m always tired. I’m being sarcastic, but I am always sarcastic. Nothing has changed. Nothing looks different. Almost no one knows how hard things have been.

My daily life has been consumed with an over-opinionated mother who criticizes me for everything that she doesn’t perceive to be perfect , an ex-husband who is an absolute piece of shit, a child who screams and yells and tells me he wishes I would die because he hates me, a workload that is beyond my capacity and daily reminders of a childhood filled with sexual abuse.

I’m still working. I’m still hanging out with friends. I’m still smiling. I’m still laughing. I’m still making something of my life. I’m doing what I need to do, but I’m not okay.

I’m not okay and just this time, I need someone to be strong for me. I need someone to simply say, ‘it’s going to be okay‘. I need someone to just sit with me and wipe my tears. To pick me up off the floor and comfort me.

I need to know that it’s okay to need someone when you can’t fix things yourself.

I need to know that it’s okay to not always be okay.

13 thoughts on “not being okay

  1. It’s okay to not be okay. It really is. And it’s okay to need someone else to help. So much of this I could have written. I really feel your pain, especially over needing someone to be strong and there and to comfort you. Nothing I can say except that I am thinking of you and sending you strength x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is ok to not be ok but you must be ok with that. No one can accept the help but yourself. Tell your mom to go to hell, for the day, tell your son to fuck off and tell your ex … nothing need be said to him, he is your ex for a reason. Stand up for yourself. You see you can breathe easier once you do. I’m sending my attitude for you to borrow for the next few days.!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What is most important is taking care of yourself. When you do say that you are not okay, you are showing an incredible amount of strength, you’re letting the truth come out instead of trying to just go on without thinking about it. Let yourself be not okay. It’s good, and although painful, can lead to a lot of healing. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

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