not being okay

Shawna Erback

I have a hard time giving myself permission to not be okay.  Most days, I feel like I need to own everything that happened and is currently happening in my life. I even own the shit that doesn’t belong to me.

When someone asks me how I am my answer is always, ‘okay‘. It’s easier to say you’re okay when you’re not. There aren’t any explanations and others don’t have to be burdened with your hurts. No more questions, no more answers.

But right now, right this very minute, I’m not okay.

You can’t tell just by looking at me. I tell people I’m tired, but I’m always tired. I’m being sarcastic, but I am always sarcastic. Nothing has changed. Nothing looks different. Almost no one knows how hard things have been.

My daily life has been consumed with an over-opinionated mother who criticizes me for everything that she doesn’t perceive to be perfect , an ex-husband who is an absolute piece of shit, a child who screams and yells and tells me he wishes I would die because he hates me, a workload that is beyond my capacity and daily reminders of a childhood filled with sexual abuse.

I’m still working. I’m still hanging out with friends. I’m still smiling. I’m still laughing. I’m still making something of my life. I’m doing what I need to do, but I’m not okay.

I’m not okay and just this time, I need someone to be strong for me. I need someone to simply say, ‘it’s going to be okay‘. I need someone to just sit with me and wipe my tears. To pick me up off the floor and comfort me.

I need to know that it’s okay to need someone when you can’t fix things yourself.

I need to know that it’s okay to not always be okay.