It will be three years in February that I first stepped foot in my T’s office. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen in the first few months but never did I imagine I would still be there after three years. We started at once per week but about a year or so after I began seeing him, because I was having a difficult time, we decided to try two days a week and it’s remained the same since then (I’d secretly like to be there more often but would probably have to move my living accommodations to a cardboard box).
Therapy, or rather, my thoughts about therapy and my therapist in particular, often seem to get in the way of, well, everything. The thoughts and feelings spinning through my head are so big and take up so much space that I’m not quite sure where to start most days. All I really want is to be able to move past all the stuckiness that I feel.
I knew therapy was going to be hard. I knew there was a lot of stuff that happened in my past that we would have to wade through. What I didn’t anticipate though, were my feelings for him. For some reason, even though he constantly explains it to me, I don’t seem to grasp the connection between the way I feel about him and the things that happened in my past very well.
While he is accepting, honest and gentle about it all, the feelings leave me bewildered and carry with them a lot of pain, frustration and shame. Most days I’m left wanting to run away from it all.
I can, without a doubt, say that I am not in love with him. I don’t want to marry him or date him or have any sort of physical relationship with him whatsoever. But, he is incredibly important to me and most days I would give up anything to just sit in a room with him. It feels like I need him. A lot. I think what I find most difficult to deal with is that when it comes to him, the adult part of me just completely disappears.
Feeling that you need someone, like you need air to breathe, doesn’t seem normal to me. I just don’t know how to alleviate the feelings and make things better though. I’ve reached the point where I can’t cope and pacify such big needs of the little parts of me. They literally become absolutely devastated and cannot handle the idea of him not being there.
The number one problem that I face is connection, or rather, lack of it. The feeling of connection never lasts for me. It never stays. Sometimes within moments of walking out of his office it’s gone. This mostly leaves me feeling like a failure. And because of it, my very loud, extremely opinionated inner critic ends up having a fucking field day, leaving me to feel like I need to get a fucking grip on life already. Truthfully, to the competent adult part of me, it all appears a little bit beyond being ridiculous but the little parts of me simply cannot get enough to feel better.
He knows connection is hard. Since I worked up the nerve to talk about it, it has come up often. It is one of the things we have been very clear about. The days between sessions have always been tough for me but for at least a year he didn’t even know about it. It’s part of the reason we now meet twice a week. He also allows me to contact him outside of session whenever I want. I try really hard to be respectful but sometimes it’s a lot of messages. But, even with all of the extra appointments and outside contact, it still feels absolutely awful at times.
Over the last few weeks, my feelings about him, therapy, life, suicide and everything else, have felt really out of control. I am often left feeling like a complete and utter emotional mess. I’ve tried to push the feelings down. I’ve tried to ignore them. I’ve tried to burn them away. Yesterday I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed and panicked so I sent him a message about it.
I have a serious question. Please, I need you to give me a serious answer.
Is there something wrong with me?
I don’t know how to make things better.
Maybe it would have been better living a life of denial than be dealing with whatever this is. What is it anyways? Trust, safety, trauma, attachment issues…one, none or all of the aforementioned?
I feel like this is going to drive me insane. I feel completely fucking mental.
He didn’t e-mail back. He did however call me on the phone a few hours later but I missed the call. He wanted to talk about the message because he said e-mailing back wouldn’t have been appropriate. He asked me to call back if I could or we would talk about it at our next session. I called back but I got his voicemail and I didn’t leave a message. I guess we will talk about it today.
That phone call felt really big because he never, ever calls after I message him. Truthfully, I’m a bit worried. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe he thinks I’m crazy. Maybe he’s going to fire me for being too needy.
I texted him to make sure things were good between us, but he hasn’t responded yet. I’m not feeling overly confident about it all at the moment. I guess I will have to wait and see what later today brings.