It has always felt necessary to maintain relationships with certain people in my life regardless of the things that happened–my parents, my brother, my father’s family. I think I have carried with me the belief that your family is your family, you’re stuck with them no matter what and you cannot turn your back on them regardless of the situation you find yourself in.
I’m starting to wonder though if I’ve been looking at it the wrong way. Is what I have even considered a relationship if it’s forced? It doesn’t make it beneficial or helpful if you aren’t happy. I’m fairly certain that a relationship that makes you feel like a failure, like you are less and undeserving of anything this world has to offer is not a good thing for a person. It can’t be worth it if after spending time with them you feel like you would be better off dead.
I often wonder why I have such expectations of myself to maintain these types of relationships. We don’t have to be friends with everyone. We don’t even have to like everyone. Most people wouldn’t judge you for choosing to no longer maintain a toxic relationship. Would they?
Why do I do it to myself? Why do I put in so much effort just to make other people happy? Why is it so difficult not to care?
I often think that if I could care a little less then maybe things wouldn’t feel so hard all of the time. If I cared a little less then the expectations would be lowered and by that I mean I could possibly stop holding on to the hope that things will eventually change within some of these relationships.
Recently, I’ve come to realize that I need to become better at understanding that some people, my mother and my father’s family in particular, will absolutely refuse to change no matter what is staring them in the face.
So, if they won’t change that means I have to change something–whether it is my reactions to how they behave or possibly choosing to no longer have relationships with them at all.
I have a lot to think about.