The other day I wrote about needing More. It got me to thinking about who it is that I feel I need more from. It always comes back to the same person. Him. My therapist. It feels like I need more from him because it feels like he is the only one who is capable of giving me what I need.
It’s an extremely awkward feeling really and not something I would normally be quick to divulge (inside of my head I have a very large filing cabinet with an ‘Awkward Things You Should Tell Your Therapist’ drawer). But, the other day I was feeling brave, so I sent him a message.
Why is it so hard to ask for what you need?
It’s because you understood from them that it was wrong or bad in some way to ask, he replied.
So what does a person do? Just ask? And see what happens?
To be fair my therapist is, for the most part, really good at answering me and I know responses will take a bit longer when it’s a weekend and may not come if he’s on vacation. When I first started contacting him, waiting for an answer was torture. Lack of response meant that I had somehow done something wrong and he was punishing me for it. I usually ended up convincing myself that at our very next meeting he would be telling me he’d had enough and send me out the door to find someone else to bother.
Thankfully, over time it had started to feel less anxiety-provoking when he either did not respond or responded with only a couple of words. The last couple of weeks though? It feels like we’re back to the torture phase.
His lack of response to the last message was not very reassuring whatsoever. I knew it was a weekend and it meant he was off the clock but I couldn’t (okay, still can’t) help but wonder if him not answering was his way of saying he’d already answered me once and that should be sufficient.
Regardless of the reason–the weekend, he was busy, he didn’t want to get into the topic–it definitely made me feel like I shouldn’t have been contacting him, at least not in that moment. In other words, Stop being so goddamn needy already!!
I’ve now spent the last day or so berating myself for being so stupid in contacting him in the first place and I’m waiting for him to tell me that he’s tired of me being such a pain in the ass.
I can hear the thought running through my head this is why it’s so hard to ask for what you need because you know you won’t get it.
Fuck, this is frustrating!!