I’ve been spending the last couple of days writing furiously in my journal. One of the things I’ve been trying to do is decipher between wants and needs.
I get the gist of it, but I often wonder if the things that feel like they’re missing are what I want to have happen, or if they’re something I actually need to have happen. For a long time I thought it was about wanting things but as time has gone on, I’m realizing it’s not a matter of want–it’s a matter of need.
More. I need more. More understanding, patience, time, reassurance and connection. I need more listening and more contact. It feels like I need these things like I need air to breathe.
Whatever it is that I can manage to get just never feels like enough. There is still always something missing. Without more, it feels like I might die. It sounds so dramatic and over-the-top when I write it out, but that’s how it feels. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s how it feels.
I know there are things as an adult, I should be able to provide for myself, but it is as though there is a gap between feeling and understanding. I don’t seem to be able to find the bridge that connects the two places–where alone does not feel like life or death; where being apart is not forgetting or being forgotten; where letting people in will not always destroy me and where trust is possible.
I’m feeling frustrated and angry and tired. Everything in this endless loop leads back to these feelings. I wonder when it will stop feeling like this.
I wonder if the bridge even exists at all.