More

I’ve been spending the last couple of days writing furiously in my journal. One of the things I’ve been trying to do is decipher between wants and needs.

I get the gist of it, but I often wonder if the things that feel like they’re missing are what I want to have happen, or if they’re something I actually need to have happen. For a long time I thought it was about wanting things but as time has gone on, I’m realizing it’s not a matter of want–it’s a matter of need.

More. I need more. More understanding, patience, time, reassurance and connection. I need more listening and more contact. It feels like I need these things like I need air to breathe.

Whatever it is that I can manage to get just never feels like enough. There is still always something missing. Without more, it feels like I might die. It sounds so dramatic and over-the-top when I write it out, but that’s how it feels. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s how it feels.

I know there are things as an adult, I should be able to provide for myself, but it is as though there is a gap between feeling and understanding. I don’t seem to be able to find the bridge that connects the two places–where alone does not feel like life or death; where being apart is not forgetting or being forgotten; where letting people in will not always destroy me and where trust is possible.

I’m feeling frustrated and angry and tired. Everything in this endless loop leads back to these feelings. I wonder when it will stop feeling like this.

I wonder if the bridge even exists at all.

3 thoughts on “More

  1. Dear Courage: I have some thoughts about this – maybe helpful???
    I too survived a childhood of physical torture, sexual abuse and emotional abuse.
    My therapist has been working with me on my dissociated parts. This is very difficult and painful but I do want all of me.
    The last few days – new parts.
    Parts who suffered from extreme neglect. (It’s much harder to notice what wasn’t done, than what was.) You could Google “Childhood Emotional Neglect” or just start here: http://www.drjonicewebb.com/about-emotional-neglect/
    I hope this helps. I do know it ain’t easy.
    My grandchildren put emoji hearts everywhere. I wish I knew how to do them on WP.
    Sending you bushes and bundles of hearts. TS

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks TS for the beautiful hearts and encouragement. I’ll definitely look into the link that you sent to me.

      ‘It’s much harder to notice what wasn’t done, than what was’–isn’t that the truth.

      Take good care of yourself. Sending hearts right back to you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Asking for what you need | This Takes Courage

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