Feeling sensitive

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It was a cold icy day on Lake Superior

I must admit that I’m feeling a bit sensitive these days. It leaves me drowning in shame. Things feel sharp and biting. Uncomfortable at best.

I’ve been trying to work through some issues surrounding my mother and I’m starting to feel bad about it, like I’m being really ungrateful for something. I just haven’t been able to figure out what’s causing the feeling.

I suppose what I would like from her is for her to just listen to me. Not necessarily agree, but at least listen. Because it feels like I don’t matter and that I will never get it right in the way that she wants things to be said or done. There have never been any ‘I love yous’ or ‘I’m sorry‘. There have never been outward signs of affection–physical or verbal. I just always felt like I was too much for my mother–she pretty much told me I was–but I’d really like to feel like I’m enough.

And maybe I’m just wishing for a miracle. Maybe it won’t ever happen, that it’ll feel like things will be different between us, but I’m afraid to stop hoping.

I sometimes, no that’s not right, I absolutely think that indifference displayed by one’s own mother towards their child feels worse than death might. I’ve tried to see it from her side–her own failed upbringing–but it doesn’t lessen the pain of having to now learn all of the things I should have learned in childhood. It’s hard not to feel angry about it all, even though I try not to.

I think what I really wish would happen would be that someone else would get angry about her. And by someone, I mean my therapist. Why can’t he be mad too? Together we are stronger, is one of his favourite sayings. Stronger in numbers? Not when it feels like you’re all alone feeling something really big and painful.

So, maybe he could say something like ‘it doesn’t matter if you don’t make her happy–it’s not important’ or ‘you don’t have to matter to her–or any of those people who hurt you–and it would be okay if you decided that they didn’t matter to you either. I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way–and some other people wouldn’t either.’

It’s not as though he doesn’t care–I’m fairly certain he does. Truthfully, I’m not even sure what I want him to say and it probably wouldn’t be the right thing anyways. Like I mentioned earlier–I’m feeling a bit sensitive these days.

3 thoughts on “Feeling sensitive

    • I hope things eventually get easier for you with your mother.

      Some days I think I see the light and then the next something she does or says proves me wrong. I keep hoping though that something, somewhere will give and it’ll feel better.

      Good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Same to you! Thankfully I’ve found others that have been more of a mom to me than my actual mom. People will support you, surround you, and love you!

        Like

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