When your mind gets the best of you.

You have so much to live for.

It is so very selfish.

What about your kids?

It isn’t anything other than nothingness.

Thoughts of killing oneself are extremely hard to talk about. As a mother who deals with thoughts of suicide, the above statements cut deep. People are so quick to judge those who may be contemplating the end, and that judgement often seems harsher when you are a parent. Often, when I try to discuss it, because I am so fearful of being judged, the message I give is indirect and I end up feeling misunderstood.

If I say something like, ‘I can’t take this anymore,’ people hear the message as ‘I’m overwhelmed’. Parenting is overwhelming at the best of times, but when you deal with these kinds of thoughts, parenting almost feels impossible. I am not trying to say that I feel overwhelmed with being a parent, I am saying that I am overwhelmed with life and the reality of it is that I don’t want to be around anymore.

When things feel really dark, one of the things I often do is make plans to run away and start over again. I know it is not really a possibility to just pick up the boys and run away, especially with their father in the picture, but I still like to think about it happening. Just being able to get away from the negative thoughts, people and places feels like it would make life so much easier to deal with. I dream of maybe moving somewhere warm, on the ocean, where we know nobody and nobody knows us either. Just start over again. I would do so many things differently.

I know my kids need me. I know I have a lot to live for. I don’t need someone to verbalize it. I already feel like a horrible mother for even having thoughts such as this, so when the harsh criticism comes it simply makes me feel even worse. What some people don’t seem to understand is that my children are the only reason I keep myself distracted and alive but sometimes, no matter how hard I try to prevent it from happening, my mind gets the best of me and I go to a very dark place.

On those dark days I’d like to stay in bed and avoid talking to people. I often just want to be alone, not touched and usually end up crying in the shower as I force myself to face the day ahead of me. Those days feel like a constant battle to make it through.

My mind feels a million miles away. It’s hard being superficially engaged with reality when you don’t feel human or worthy of life. These are the days I need compassion, not judgement. These are the days that there will be struggle and pain. These are the days that I need to tell myself that all I need to do is be here. Nothing else, but be here.

One thought on “When your mind gets the best of you.

  1. Hi! I’m hope you’re having a good day today. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of how you feel. I’ve been there and although some will never understand, even your children can’t stop the thoughts. Something inside of you has to click too. It’s a combination of factors that will motivate you to ge out of that dark place. You have my support 💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

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