I’m holidayed out..

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snowshoeing on Lake Superior

For the most part I think I’ve done fairly well keeping myself together through the holiday season. The quietness has probably helped significantly and I’ve tried really hard not to let things get the better of me.

Today though, I find myself done with it all. I don’t want to celebrate anything anymore. I’d really like to tear my tree down and put everything back under the stairs for another year. The problem? I don’t have any energy to do it.

I’m in a bit of a funk. I’m feeling far away today. The downfall to feeling like this is that one of the first things to always feel strained is the connection to my therapist. I’ve gone and lost him again. I can’t remember his face or his voice and there isn’t anything that reminds me of him. I know it’s only been a few days since I’ve seen him but it feels like it’s been forever. For some reason, I also have myself completely convinced that he has forgotten me as well and we will have to start all over at the beginning next week when we meet.

I’m trying not to blame it all on being in close proximity to my mother, but maybe that’s exactly what’s happening. I feel tense and irritated. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing, her opinions have started already and I feel like I’m walking on broken glass. Not even an hour after she walked in the door I could hear the clink of the ice in the glass and the twisting of the rye bottle cap. I absolutely hate the sound of the ice on the glass–it grates like fingers on a chalkboard. She even laughed about a comment my brother made to her about how much his liquor supply dwindled with her visiting. Somehow, I don’t think he meant is as a joke.

I feel trapped. I can’t get out for a walk because we are currently in an extreme cold warning and I’d prefer not to get frostbite. Besides, I would have to leave the dog at home or risk freezing his big paws and I don’t like walking without him. I went snowshoeing the other day but I almost froze myself so that’s not going to happen today. I’m also not a big fan of shopping unless necessary and I already went to the grocery store yesterday. The boys are still with their dad until tomorrow, so I don’t even have them to distract me.

I’ll have to figure something else out.

It’s just a few more days to get through. Next week I go back to work for a couple of days and I’m looking forward to it. A few of the girls will be back as well and we’re planning a lunch date. I miss my routines. I’ve never really noticed how important they are to me, but they are.

I think I have hit the point where I am completely holidayed out!

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